Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 30

I'm still scared that someone will find out that i am crazy after meeting me for a few times. I am scared of the lackness, the downfall, the dissapointment because i have made them dissapointed. On Internet that thing would never happen. People forget that behind these accounts there are real persons, i am those links that lines the electronic numbers. Even if i tell them on our first meeting that „I'm crazy, don't get started with a crazy girl" they will still slow down to look. And people looking at the warning sign „Paint still wet, don't touch" will still put their whole hand on it only to say „Oh, it's really wet".

Everytime a upload new fashion article wearing nice clothes, i would upload next article about how i feel bored and one plus one equals one idol on internet. I want to share the truest things to everyone to see that live is not what you dream of it to be like, but i've never expected it to become the motivation for me to move forward. Thousands of comments, mails, talking to me about work that i'm doing after they've read it they didn't felt lonely anymore, making me feel even more lonely. Blog went up too fast, from truest sharings it now made me a famous person. People think that i'm a person from another planet, they don't trust my story, they feel free to judge me on their accounts because they thought that i „she has to be used to this thing, if you want to be a superstar you have to accept it". I have lived forgively from before and not even once properly and now everything that i did was took out to look for the wrongs because now everything that i did needed responsibility because of my young readers and community. I don't even know how did i turned from personal account into public property, i was confused and lost two years, sounds funny but the feeling was exactly like going out for one night and coming home pregnant. Suddenly from a youngster i had to change my behaviour, become a pregnant woman, loving and careful and whenever i went to i was touched on and judged when in reality nobody understands who you really are and what is happening in this bulky belly. Body becomes a public property if going out and if someone touches your belly then of course that normally you would go ahead and punch him but if you are a pregnant woman, they can just touch and you know that it means affection and love and you just have to accept that.

Blogging teached me one thing: If you accept all your weak points, nobody can use them back on you anymore. You are ugly. OK i'm the ugliest on this planet. You are a dog. OK bark bark. Done. The story ends there. I'm a piece of shit, i'm everything, i can be everything, accepting everything, everything is right because god, no matter how much you hate me you can never hate me as much as i hate myself.

I truly am not a fit to be a famous person, i am the most unfit person to be famous that i know of. Rolling on dirt, sweating, i would sit at the row at fashion events. My brother once even said that „a writer but dirty like a painter", i always blurred. Always having co-workers glaring at me. Finishing vomiting and go to meet a partner. Putting on makeup to hide my dark circles and pale face. When it came time to make connections i would quickly disappear to go home and watch cartoons. If a fan called at me then i would freeze because the truth is i don't know how to speak with strangers. Everyone would say that they want my advice, while i was standing there shaking on the verge of collapsing because of the weight of my body.

For sure, with every horrible thing that happened to me from before till now, the number of me living well went up to 100%. But the problem is everytime, i just barely flickered over it. I kept going from this day to another, living like this day was my last day but last day never happened. I was tired, tired and tired of being tired at myself, but i just came to that, it standed still at tiredness. I don't understand what full day is like but i also never had any days losing everything, i turned into a worn bottle and life still continued to joke with me. Life was like luring and luring and i still tried and tried, we tried to catch each other from morning till night and then from morning again. I wish that i had a reason to die, i wish that i had a reason to live, i want to feel everything that is not what i'm feeling right now and forever. I dream about being dead because i need something, one from two heads of life, no matter which one but the dead head is for sure nearer i need to hold it tight so i can drag my tired legs and keep going. It is never enough, i'm not enough, live is not enough, and i just keep playing.

X time i went with train = [ X times i had to calculate how weak i should be ] + [ what to do to use that weakness to fall out from the train and make it an accident ] .

X times i went on airplane = [ X times i wished that i was alone ] + [ X times i wished that i was brave enough to run into the cockpit to push the lever to plunge into the nearest mountain ].

X times i went with bus = X times i craved for a horrible car crash, pain that i deserve.

Year 2014, i received VK, similar version of Facebook from Russia, invited me to St. Peterburgs to make speech about how to become a successfull blogger at festival three days long for this famous social network. Standing before my fans and audience, i talked about all empty stuff that are right but also not right. „You just need to try, you just need to know what you're doing and what way do you want to go..." After speech, audience asked me questions via Q&A, and one girl there asked me what am i doing to live so strongly, she couldn't imagined herself doing things that i do with all kind of things that happened to me. I answered that i just cry until i get tired, eyes so puffy i have to sleep, next day waking up i would go out to look for another reason to go home at night and cry and sleep again.

She laughed. Everyone laughed. I laughed too. I am always honest but everyone just thinks that i'm funny.