Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 35

After i already returned to Viet Nam i stopped to work for a while because i was too tired, i couldn't do anything anymore. I woke up in the morning, went to brush my teeth and hated that face that stared at me back so much i broke the mirror then i breathed deeply and went to buy a new mirror because i just remembered that i have to shoot in few hours. I needed money but i couldn't be more pretty. Wearing clothes to a corpse and it's still just a corpse. I decided to pack all clothes from blog into suitcase and sell them all. Flying to Singapore to sell them at the blogger fair, visiting my boyfriend while i was there. I would never imagine, arriving to the airport and seeing a sign with my name, arriving to fair people would line up to take a picture asking for signature. Damn it, i just thought. Don't understand if i'm selling myself or my clothes? At the end when i was ready to go home a person who was about the same age as me approached me, holded my hands and cried. I haven't understand anything yet and her words already poured out with tears: „Thanks to Plaaastic i got strength, i also have depression and eating disorder, i was ready to give up but when i read your blog i realized that i am bigger than that sickness and if Plaaastic can do it then i can too. Please accept my album as a gift, i'm a singer, i just finished recording my first album a thing that few months before seemed impossible ."

I remembered my friend, my singer friend that commited a successfull suicide. I thought about this friend and didn't know how to react. I'm a liar a bad character, i made everyone believe in a thing that i don't have, i have nothing at all. I was never better, i never - even for a minute - wanted to disappear, i am sorry, i am really sorry.

But right now i have responsibility, right? I can't run away. Everyone waits for me, everyone put their faith in me. I took my suitcase to go home, to buy clothes, to buy make-up, to buy a mirror, to go and take photos.

My boyfriend and me, we grew apart slowly. Things that i did before that made me feel like we belong together now gave me doubts about myself. Me and him would just rarely see each other two, three times a year and the rest just a few messages. It was stereotyped with those everyday things: did you wake up, did you eat, what did you do and i would answer didn't sleep yet, didn't eat yet, didn't do anything at all. He would say the words that i know he would say, you have to sleep deeply for eight hours, eat three meals a day, don't cry too much, don't love anything too fast, do not expect too much or you will be disappointed, walk lightly, speak and smile gently, live normally, don't let anyone panick because you don't understand what are boundaries. I laughed, i just knew how to laugh. What i thought was my anchor now just drove me crazy. I spoke to him less and less because i knew that he was just being cranky, i saw it because i had the anchor that i knew i'm on my way. I lived well with principles and logic from myself but he made me feel like this life is not good because i tried too hard for it to not be good that simply i was wrong. Once when i was drunk i shouted at him that right, sleep good for eight hours, eat three meals a day, not crying too much, not loving something too much, not expecting too much so i won't be disappointed, walk lightly, speak and smile gently because living just enough is living, right? So what am i doing right now? What am i living for if my existence is simply irrational? So, for the first time i saw him cry. He cried loudly through the lines of Skype, please, please calm down, i love you, don't make me worry about you anymore, i beg you. Everything that i heard was only if i simply acted like myself, talk about my real thoughts then once again i would broke everyone around me. If i acted like myself everyone around me would suffer. But if i'm not being myself then what am i?

I want to live but life is killing me right now.