THIS BOOK ALL ABOUT SUZUYA JUUZOU (and me..)

21

Finally, I was allowed to return home. Its been 2 months since i had entered the hospital, and the air in my house smells stale. Tests after tests just to confirm what i already knew. They told me i can remove it, but that they need to monitor its behavior for awhile. Hence ebing in the hospital for 2 months.
Juuzou has failed to show up at the hospital since i'd seen him at the nurse's desk.
What did i think i was doing? I had known him for 6 weeks and i'd already given my body and mind to him. I realize now that i was just being horny, throwing myself at the first boy who showed interest in me.  Not to say i wasn't interested in him, i really did like him a lot. But the second he hears that the girl he's involved with may be terminally ill, he exits.
Though I missed him so fucking much at first, it was clear to me it wasn't real to him. I've decided to catergorize this thing we've had as a fling, and nothing more.
I walk around the house, the new bed has been delivered and set up in the guest bedroom, it looks like Juuzou has been here, telling by the rumpled sheets and scattered clothes. I step into his room, surveying my surroundings.

Will I see him again soon?

Is he going to come home tonight?

I want to talk to him.. He was my only friend it seems...

I exit the room, walking down the hall to my humble space. The constant tests made me weak and tired, hopefully they can schedule me in soon to remove this curse.
The constant sterilty of the hospital made me sensitive to the sudden change in aura.
This situation has forced independency upon me, and all its done is make me angry. Angry at being left alone, alone to suffer this by myself.
I sit on the edge of the bed, unbuttoning the collar of my dress. Suddenly I dont want to look like this, I dont want to stand out anymore.
Unbuttoning the remainder of the buttons on my dress, I slowly walk to my dresser. Juuzou's clothes seem to have vacated the top drawer, it was left standing open.
I change into the one t-shirt I own, which i had recieved as a birthday gift from Shinohara when I turned 13. It was pale yellow with a black smiley face plastered onto the front of it. It was god ugly and I refused to wear it. Though today it felt freeing to wear.
I crawl into bed and lay facing the wall. I've become used to sleeping alone now, I didn't have anyone to watch over me as I slept like I was used to. In 2 months i've been forced to grow up and move past all my childish stigmas I clung to. The world is scary and i dont know if im ready to even accept the responsibility of being an "adult" im only 18 but it doesnt feel like it anymore... I dont want this..

*****

I'm jolted awake by the sound of the front door clanging open, keeys jingling and the door chain rattling. I sit up slowly and swing my legs over the side of the bed, slipping my feet into my indoor shoes.
I hear muttering coming from the hallway as the front door shuts and the chain is replaced.

It's him.. It has to be.

I shuffle out of my room and make my way to the sunken part of the floor where the front door resides.
And there he is. Just as I remember, though its only been 2 months since i've seen him.
He was wearing his black coat and his back was towards me, he was fiddling with the deadbolt. He continued to mumble, not noticing my existence.
I felt frozen, he had to have known I was coming home today. But why do I feel this way? I had come to the conclusion that I didn't care about what happened, and that those feelings I had were just the product of a crush.
My body wouldn't move, even when he began to turn around.
He faced me, his eyes running down my figure.
My heart swelled with heat, I didnt know if I should say something, berate him or welcome him home.
Juuzou brought his hands to his face, pulling at the stitches on his lip before walking right past me.

It didnt feel right. I knew he was just... Using me.. All that "care" he showed me wasn't real.
My skin felt prickly as the air between us parted when he passed.
Not even a word to me. He's FUCKED me and he won't even say anything to me. He took me to the hospital and he wont pay attention to me.
The reality of the situation finally sunk in, the reality that no one really cared, especially the boy i liked.

I turned to walk back to my room, but to my suprise Juuzou was standing at the end of the hallway, he was watching me.
My eyes fell to the ground, I didn't want to look at him. I felt shame for even letting him touch me. There was a deafening silence as we stood in front of each other.

"I am moving out" he finally spoke quietly. His sudden words made me jump, I forced myself to look at him.

"Do you think I care?" I spat out, my face contorting in anger.

His eyes left mine, looking at the ground.

" We.. Weren't dating right? That's... Not allowed for.. Kids like us.." He said, fiddling with his hands.

"I'm not a kid anymore." I replied,
"I grew up when I was left alone at the hospital, when I was ditched by someone I thought I could trust" I stated.

The corner of his mouth twitched, then he looked at me.

"I didnt know what I was thinking. I got attatched to you too fast! It was better off if I cut you out of my life." He said quickly, staring at my face.
Attatched too fast. I can relate to that, I didnt know what I was doing either, why were we left to our own devices? We are both inexperienced, living on our own together.

I breathe in sharply through my nose,
"maybe it is best you move out. I dont want to see your face anymore, I dont even want to see you ever, ever again. " I say fiercely, I feel heat collecting in my face.

"I-.. I really did like you.. I-I still do i was just.... Confused.. " he says, running his hands through his hair. He looks more disheveled than usual.

"I do not feel the same anymore" I say venomously, staring back at him.

He hesitates before stepping towards me, then starts walking towards me. I back up slowly, eventually pressing myself against the door. He stops, only a few feet from me.

"Is... That true? " he questions, tilting his head a bit. All i can do is stare at him, I feel helpless against this boy. The way he makes me feel, confuses me.
Suddenly he's pressing me against the door, his face inches from mine. My faces flushes red, and I stare up into his eyes.

"I cant help myself around you... " he mumbles, shoving his face in my neck.

I remember now... The way he made me feel. The fuzzy feeling surrounding my heart and the airiness in my head.

"I.. I cant just forgive you for what you did to me..." I whisper, gripping his black coat. He sighs softly, i feel his breath against my skin, and it makes me shiver.

"I couldn't bear to see you that way.. It hurt.. Hurt so much... I felt like I could feel your pain.. And i couldn't stay..." He whispered, reluctantly grabbing at the hem of my sleeve.

  His words hurt me... I understand why he left... But why couldnt he tell me first? Was it hard to face me that way?
Tears begin to collect at the corners of my eyes, and I lean my head back against the door, staring at the ceiling.

"This isn't right... " I say, pushing him off of me as I rest my hands against his shoulders. I look at his face, it's blank, but his eyebrows are furrowed.

He backs off, shoving his hands in his coat pockets.

"Fine." he says simply, "you made me feel and I don't like that." He says, staring down at me.

I can't help but feel hurt by these words. I rejcted him but it still hurt me. Am I doing the right thing then? If it hurts me, am I doing the right thing?

He turns to leave, but i grab his arm.

"W-wait!" I blurt out, his head turns to face me, and he looks angry.

"...please.. I.. " I dont know what to say, but my hand grips his arm tightly.

"What? I thought this wasn't right?" He says mockingly, yanking his arm from me.
"I told you what I felt and you made your decision. " he said, shoving his hand back into his pocket.

I couldnt respond, I wanted to but I couldn't. He's right i made my decision and i need to live up to it.