Butterfly [j.jk]

사십삼

고민

"what do you want, jeongguk?"

he had never pondered on something so simple. hours and hours on end of those words ruling the walls of his mind. but then the more he gave thought to it, it was a question so complex just as it was so mundane.

what did i want?

no matter how much he tried to shrug it off, he would always come back. whatever he did to distract, to ease, to release himself from his thoughts, bit by bit, those words come waltzing back.

seoul was his home. born and raised. all of his firsts, every friendship ever kindled, each embarrassing episode, every achievement he could recall was in that city. god, his life was set in stone in seoul. almost every fragment of his memory was planted in those lands.

would he be selfish enough to leave those behind?

but then jeju comes to mind. the rolling hills, the bluest skies, blooming flowers, the butterflies;

the garden and nari.

the soiled path he had walked through day by day, it was a life he had grown accustomed to. this was his everyday, where each morning the sun rose anew, the swaying trees greet you, birds serenade you. his heart sings to a peaceful sky. and surprisingly, he didn't mind.

but then the wave of doubts seep through the corners of his minds, itching in his thoughts 'til it was the only thing that occupied his thinking.

"what do you want, jeongguk?"

like some sick song, it looped in his mind. those words being the only melody on repeat. like a dozen lips talking, but that question being the only thing said.

"jeongguk?"

what is it that i want?

"jeongguk!"

caught in his daze, he snaps out. seeing seokjin waiting by the table, a pen and paper in his hands, impatiently waiting. he sees the other people seated on their tables, also awaiting for their orders to be taken.

"we'll just get two hot chocolates." nari chimes, seeing the boy still in a haze. "yeah," he mutters and the older parts from their table.

and just like that, the boy falls silent once more. and she watches as he slowly fades back into his daze.

as summer inched closer, the more reserved he seemed. always seeming deep in his thoughts, it was as if he was pushing her away.

what is he not telling? she thought to herself, seeing as the boy had yet to even touch his drink. it was turning cold.

just then, a familiar guest comes to visit. greeting nari's sight with its bright red banded wings. fluttering out the window from where he sat.

that would be the second time she'd see a red admiral dancing by him. her heart only grows heavy at the thought, what secret are you hiding?

what do you want, jeongguk?

the truth is, i don't know.

a/n:
three chapters left!
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