Back to the Start (Book 3 of the "Fearless" series) [Completed]

Chapter 23 - Temper Tantrum

Lisbon, Portugal / London, UK
September 14, 2013

[Karsyn]

Why am I pregnant, married and mothering the daughter I gave up to my parents because I didn't want her? How the HELL did all of this happen? I blame the pregnancy hormones but the past two days I have been in a vile mood, wondering how my life became this.

What the fuck happened to my magazine I wanted to start? What happened to me and Emmileigh making something out of ourselves?

Getting married and having kids is not what we had planned.

Maybe I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Maybe reality is just sitting in, I don't know. Nick hasn't done anything wrong. In fact, Nick has been absolutely perfect. So perfect, I'm waiting to wake up for this dream that has slowly become some kind of sick and twisted nightmare.

I told Sarah I couldn't deal with tutoring Haley today, for her to take over. I just couldn't do it. I laid in bed in the hotel and pretty much cried all morning. Nick tried to talk to me, Sarah, AJ, fuck, even Donnie came over to try and talk to me and I'd barely spoken to him since Emmileigh left.

"Karsyn, are you sure you don't want to come to the arena?" Nick asked, walking into the bedroom of the suite. I shook my head and felt him crawl up on the bed. "I wish you'd talk to me."

"You don't want to know how I'm feeling."

"I do..."

"You don't..."

"Try me."

"I'm turning into everything I never wanted," I whispered, moving the pillow from my face, only to have him stare at me. "Maybe it's the hormones fucking with me or something but when did this all change?"

"The past year and a half almost," he whispered, trying to move a strand of hair out of my face. "Are you regretting..."

"No, no, I just..." I stuttered as I sat up on the bed, wiping my eyes. "All of my plans... my and Emmileigh's plans, the magazine, all of that, they just... evaporated. I was going to do something with myself after I moved to California and what did I do? I took a photography class."

"You hate being on tour now, don't you?" he asked as I looked away. "You can go home, you know? Honestly, I'd feel better if you were at home and near the doctor..."

"It's not that, maybe it's just being on tour and being pregnant like this and the constant sleeping cycles changing and everything," I whispered. "Plus, God, I need a break from Haley."

"Haley?"

"I need a me day," I whispered as Nick smiled.

"I'll get her and Sarah to come with me to the arena and they can finish there and watch the show and everything," he said as I leaned over to kiss his lips. "Just be lazy, order room service and watch television if you can find something on TV in English."

"Thanks," I smiled, watching him as he climbed off the bed and walked out of the room. I heard him telling Haley to pack her things up, because she was going to the arena with him

Nick really was too fucking perfect and sometimes it annoyed me.

[/Karsyn]

[Donnie]

I carried Logan and Savannah into the arena, with my mom and Elijah close behind.

We were in Portugal, and there were so many fans outside. I kinda felt bad that I hadn't hung out with fans lately, but I guess I had a good enough reason.

"You want me to take them?"

I turned to look at my mom as we walked into the dressing room. "It's ok. Go get something to eat." I moved over to the couch in the room and sat down with a grunt, shifting both babies on my lap. Logan looked up at me and smiled a little, a ton of drool rolling down to his chin.

"Nice to see you smiling, buddy." I kissed the top of his head before smoothing the hair down on Savannah's head. In the small space of time since Emmi had left the babies had changed. Logan was cutting his first tooth, and Savannah was sitting up unaided.

I wondered how much more Emmi would miss.

"Penny for your thoughts."

I looked up to see Jon approaching cautiously. When I smiled at him he sat beside me and took Logan.

"He's drooly."

I chuckled. "Yea.. he's teething."

"Uh oh." Jon smiled at Logan before looking at me. "You alright?"

"Yea, why wouldn't I be?" I stood Savannah up on my lap and smiled when she grinned at me.

"Because your wife left you."

I sighed. "She didn't leave me."

"Donnie.."

I turned to him. "She didn't, ok? I refuse to believe she would just leave me, AND the kids. You and I both know that is not an Emmi thing to do."

"So, why did she leave?"

I shook my head and sighed. "Jon, if I knew that then we wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation."

Which was a lie. I knew she left because of me.

[/Donnie]