Your Addictive Heart || l.s

The A-Team

TW: Panic Attack

"You can't expect us to stand with you if we don't know the whole truth." Anna pushed him to open up but every time Louis tried he froze up.

"Whatever it is." Zayn squeezed his shoulder. "I'll be there for you, bud."

"Just stop. All of you." Louis got up from his seat and distanced himself. "It's not like this huge thing. I only told Lottie that night because I was still drunk and upset and honestly I don't even know what I remember." He wondered if there was still a way to get out of this. He wasn't ready.

"Just say it." Anna fidgeted in her seat. She was getting antsy.

"Listen, I screwed up that night. I know I did. I shouldn't have drank as much as I did. I should have never gone in that room with him. But I didn't kiss him. I didn't want want him to touch me. I didn't want him to kiss me. I just didn't know how to say it and maybe that was my fault but I-" He was tearing up. He hated this. He could feel his breath getting away from him. "He knew how I felt about Harry. I told him. And he still..." The air around him was thin. He could feel his limbs going numb.

"He took advantage of you." Liam validated him with a rational tone.

"He's lying." Anna shook her head. "Tito's a lot of things but he would never..." She put her hand over her mouth as she considered it. "Why can't you just take responsibility for what you did instead of blaming my brother?" She raised her voice.

He knew this was a mistake. He knew it. "Anna, no offense but seriously, fuck off right now. He's not lying." Zayn took Louis' hand and pulled him over to sit back down.

Louis put his head between his knees. He didn't want to do this to her. He didn't even want to do this to him. As mad as he was at Tito, he had convinced himself that it wasn't his fault. Louis led him on. He never wanted to play the victim or turn his friends against the boy.

"Lou." Zayn put a hand on his knee and shook it gently. "Lou, c'mon." He tried again. Louis couldn't get himself to face his friends. He couldn't even catch his breath. "It's not your fault and we're not mad at you. Right guys?"

"Right." Liam said firmly.

Anna took a heavy sigh. "Right." She agreed. "I'm sorry, Louis."

It was still too much. Nothing they said made him feel better. He just felt stupid for the whole thing. He was stupid. He messed everything up.

Liam kneeled down in front of Louis. "Louis c'mon. You gotta breathe, mate. Can you just lift your head up?"

Louis shook his head no. He couldn't face them yet. He couldn't face any of this.

"You don't have to open your eyes. We're just going to breathe together. You just have to listen." Liam insisted.

He lifted his head and felt the light of the room against his eyelids. Even with his eyes pinched tight he felt tears peaking through. His chest was still heaving sporadically. "Good, lad." Liam put a hand on his shoulder. "Listen to my voice. In." He started. He paused for about four seconds. "Out." He blew out audibly so Louis knew what to do.

Louis followed his instruction for a while until he could breathe at his own steady pace. He felt a wave of calm wash over him. He slowly opened his eyes again. "I'm sorry." He mouthed.

"It's okay." Liam assured him.

Louis realized it had just been the two of them now. He hadn't even heard them go upstairs.

Zayn came back down with a bottle of water for Louis. "Here."

Louis drank the whole bottle in almost a single breath. They didn't say anything for a few moments. "I need to go call Harry." He broke the silence.

"I don't know if that's good idea." Zayn was weary of his decision.

"I have to. I have to know he's okay." He got up slowly and marched up the stairs.

He went through the kitchen and out the sliding back doors. The night air was cold on his skin and harsh on his dry eyes.

It was a beautiful night. The stars were plentiful and the moon was as bright as ever.

He talked to Harry for what felt like both an eternity and only a mere second.

The way they ended their call made Louis sink to his knees and then onto his back. He laid there in the grass looking at the surplus of stars wishing chances were as plentiful, because Louis had said goodnight but Harry had said goodbye.

He felt a body hit the ground next to him. Anna laid in the opposite direction but their heads were right next to each other.

"I'm sorry." She stared at the night sky with him. "I'm a really shitty friend."

"Welcome to the club." Although his tone was sarcastic, she knew that was his way of accepting her apology.

"What he did was wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you. That he did that to you. I hate him." She gritted her teeth.

"He's your brother. You don't hate him." Louis let out a small laugh. "I don't want you to hate him. I just want my ball-busting, bad-ass, supportive friend Anna by my side."

She blushed a little before flicking him in the nose. "What did Harry say?"

"In not so many words, basically, that he didn't want me anymore."

"Well, he's an idiot then." Anna nudged him.

"Thanks but...he's not." Louis was sick of crying. It's all he did lately.

"I love Harry. I do. He's a good friend. I can't pretend he's not. But, I mean...what's so great about him? That he's everybody's first choice? I just don't get it." She thought aloud.

Louis' face lit up with real joy for the first time tonight. "Everything. He's kind and nurturing and passionate and God, is he dorky as hell but he's adorable and he's brave and optimistic...he just sees the best in everything, you know? He's got this way about him. This light you can't help but be drawn to. Every time I see him he just does something to me. I can't explain it. I've always just been drawn to him."

"Oh my god. You're in love with him." Louis could tell she was studying his face. "I knew you had it bad, but I never thought I'd see the day that..." She watched his face fall. "I'm sorry, Louis. It's his loss."

He groaned and shifted in his spot. "Nah, I don't...I don't want your sympathy." He shrugged it off. "I'm not some love-stricken fool. I'll get over it. Eventually. I just need some time." Louis hoped if he said it out loud he would mean it.

"Well, you put up a good fight." She complimented his effort.

Louis sat up. "You don't think I'm throwing in the towel too easily do you?" The thought was crazy and fleeting, but what if he was meant to fight for him?

"I mean if you're asking if I think you have chance in hell at getting back together I'd say it's slim to none. But if you're asking if it's worth another shot...I'd say, you know if you really want something, I mean if anyone can do it it's a Tomlinson." She chuckled.

"Am I completely screwed up for even considering staying in the game?" Louis didn't know what came over him.

"I mean yeah, but you know I can't say anything. I'm in the same boat."

She considered it for a moment longer. "Maybe there's a way we could help each other out."

***
It ain't over yet.

Sorry for making you cry for like 10 chapters straight. At least we have Niall to lighten the mood right?

This chapter is dedicated to kittydolans , love you, sunshine!

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