~ Mariya
Why won't things just go like I expect? Sitting outside her door waiting for her to wake up feels like eternity. My heart is beating erratically against my chest and my face is buried in my palms. Why do I feel so helpless?
It's been three days since Granny's attack and she has been in the hospital. At least, I've not dragged anyone into this with me. Helda called earlier to wish me her warmest apologies, promising to be here for me.
The door to her ward slums shut and I lift my head, meeting the gaze of a familiar doctor. He hasn't particularly been nice to me but he cares at least.
"You're still here. She's fine but she won't be waking up till about eight more hours.", He tells me calmly and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.
What will I do if I lose her? This question keeps bugging me and I just can't figure anything out. She knows better than to leave me hanging.
"Thank you.", I mumble shyly, walking past him into the ward to see her pale body lying on the bed with plain white sheets covering her. Tears prick the back of my eyes and before I do anything, they roll down my cheeks. Why should things be so hard?
I sigh and get closer to her, taking her hand in mine, pressing it warmly as I sit in the plush cushion executive chair beside the bed. I kiss her knuckles and bend to kiss her cheeks. Is this the price she has to pay for taking me in her house?
"Granny, I know you're not listening but I want to believe you're hearing me. Things have been really hard lately.", I start, my heartbeat slowing and my voice choked from more tears coming to my eyes. I sniffle, cleaning my cheeks with the heel of my palm.
" You're far away from me in that care home and I'm stuck with Liam, my roommate. He's really confusing sometimes and he gets me distracted from thinking again. He's rude too. ", I blurt, chuckling bitterly. I sniffle again before continuing.
" He hasn't been exactly mean to me but why did I feel my heart clench when that red head was flirting with him? ",I ask, getting angry again. I really wish I'll never see her again.
" He flirted back, can you believe that? He's such a jerk. Classes have been good and I'm sure I'll get good marks for my GPA. You sure know what I'm capable of. ", I laugh again and look at her face.
Her eyes are shut hard and her wrinkled face doesn't conceal the fact that she's very pretty. Her chubby cheek and her almost vanishing eyebrows make me chuckle. Her full heart shaped lips is pressed in a tight line and her golden blonde hair is tied in a neat bun. She's always so beautiful.
" And anonymous. He seems to make me smile these days with cute letters, Granny. I don't know him yet he got me amazing birthday presents. He thinks my smile is beautiful. Why dont i see it? ", I ask, biting the inside of my cheeks and I can imagine her saying ' you're silly, pumpkin. Everything about you is beautiful', I laugh and kiss her knuckles again.
***
The sound of the TV is loud as I enter the hall to meet Greg and Liam watching wrestling. There's a large bowl filled with popcorn sitting on the coffee table in front of them.
I walk past them and before I open my door, a hoarse voice snaps at me and I sigh, long night ahead.
"You sure look like crap. Where have you been?", Liam asks, munching on a mouthful of popcorn. His brows are knit together as he studies my face. A flash of concern washes over him as he walks over to me, throwing the remote control at Greg.
"Im okay. Thanks.", I say to him and enter my room, tears spilling down my face. Hopefully, he didn't see.
I examine myself in front of the mirror and I gag. My messy hair is pointing in all directions, my ponytail holder is split into two holding only a few strands together.
My eyes are puffy and dark rings are beneath my eyes and my face is as pale as a potato. I sigh loudly and slump onto my bed.
My eyes catch the sight a flowery envelope and I swear I felt my heart flip. My stomach ties into a knot while fits of butterflies takes dominion. An anxious smile spreads on my face for the first time in three days and I exhale taking the flat letter in my hand.
I tear the seal and smile wider even though my eyes want to give me away.
Dear beanie girl,
It's Killing me okay. Please tell me what wrong. I care about you.
Anonymous, xoxo
I sigh. I need to get this off my chest. In a way, I feel I'm being unfair to Chloe. She doesn't hide anything from me but I simply can't tell her what's wrong. A stranger gives the best advice because they don't judge you. I don't want things to change between Chloe and I, she's going to feel pity for me and I don't want that.
Tearing a neat page from my journal, I take the nicest colour of my pen pack, kingfisher blue.
Is this the right thing to do? I'm caught between thoughts as I sit on the floor with the tip of the pen in my mouth. I just want to get this off my chest and I feel at ease with telling someone who wouldn't judge me. Who wouldn't feel pity for me. Someone who thinks my smile matters.
Anonymous,
I'm thankful that you care. And in a way, I feel it's better I don't know you. I don't want to be judged okay, I don't want pity either. I already feel pity for myself and feel it's my fault for Granny's illness and I don't need any more. I loved all your presents.
I feel helpless because I can't help my grandma and it haunts me thinking I'll just wake up one day and she won't be breathing. That's my greatest fear because she's the only one I have. She's in her final stage of her cancer and I'm scared. She's my only family and I'll just die if anything happens to her.
I hope my secret is safe with you.
Your beanie girl.
Your beanie girl just opened up to somebody, I feel she has been hiding it from everyone for too long. Anonymous sure has a chance with her.
Please vote and comment yh, I wanna hear what you think.
