Amidst the Rage

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I have designed a life that I want. The life where I could put all of my sweats so I could grow up. The life where I am the sole proprietor that nobody else own. The life that is full of retribution.

Five years had passed, I am this weak Syden where everybody dislikes. Even my own parents don't want me anymore. I only have several people that you can count with the quantity of fingers that your right hand have — the people who believes in me and the people who want me to be with them in this life time.

Everyone left me during the time when I am the weakest. I also left people who I think won't make me strong too. I am beyond grateful that life has given me that kind of past where I could be enlightened. Enlightened by the fact that not everyone is with you during your hardships, during your struggles. That I need to stand on my own so I could survive.

Life is maybe cruel to me but I am thankful for it because the harshness of life gave me a slap where I could wake up from my deep slumber. I woke up not to seek help and rely to others but to stand up from being slipped so I could step in the next stair. I woke up from my deep reverie of wanting the love of people that don't love to love me. I woke up because I need to wake up and get back to my sanity.

My mind has been set before that I need to impress my parents so they could love me, that I need to be loved by that person so I could be secured. That I need everyone's attention so I could feel the bliss of happiness but what happened was the opposite. It sickens me to the depths of hell.

The pain was unbearable when people still ignores you when you try to be someone that they would like, to be someone that they SHOULD love. It was obstructing me to be me. It was painful to see. It wasn't me. I don't want it to be me.

But I have already stood up from that deep slumber, from that reverie and from being slipped. I was thankful that I already woke up because someone believes in me, someone needs me and someone loves me. It was someone whom I treasure despite of the hardship of this life. My wealth and my treasure that I only want in this life time. I am already satisfied because life gave me a gift. I am already satisfied with the life that God gave to me despite of those blocks of hardshils.

"Mommy, Let's go!" sabi ng anak kong si Stan. Tumango ako sa kaniya sabay nginitian siya.

After so many hardships that I have faced, here is my source of happiness that I will never swap to others. He is the only person that I want to keep for myself.

Papunta kami sa bahay nila Mama dahil namiss na niya itong apo niya. I am happy that Mama and I are already fine. It was exactly six years when Mama already accepted me as her daughter. I also didn't realize that Mom is hurting so much kapag nakikita niya ako. Pinili niyang palayuin ako sa kaniya not because she didn't love me but because of the Montemayors. They want to get rid of me.

It was December that time, seven months na ang tiyan ko nang biglang bumisita si Mama sa bahay ko dito lang din sa Pampanga. Nagulat pa ako dahil pumunta si Mama sa bahay ko nung mga araw na iyon. Kasalukuyan akong nabubugnot dahil gusto ko ng pinya nung mga araw na iyon at saktong may dala si Mama.

"Bakit ka narito?" malamig kong sambit sa kaniya.

Nakatingin lamang ako sa kaniyang dala at bahagyang nangangasim na ngunit huminga muna ako ng malalim at tumingin sa mata ni Mama. Ang mga mata niyang lumuluha dahil sa nakikita niyang sitwasyon ko ngayon.

"A-Anak," malambot na sambit niya.

Nagtaasan ang balahibo ko nang marinig ang kaniyang malamyos na pagtawag sa akin. Umangat ang aking noo upang masilayan ang kaniyang mukha. Ang mata niyang humihingi ng paumanhin at tawad sa mga nagawa niya. Nanlambot ang puso ko dala na din ng pagbubuntis ko. Tumayo ako sa aking pagkakaupo sa sofa at pinunan ng pagitan namin ni Mama. Kaagad kong pinunasan ang luha niyang sabay-sabay na tumutulo.