Chapter 32
"Are you alright?"
Nag-angat ako ng tingin nang may biglang tumabi sa akin. I sighed when I saw it was Kean. Akala ko kung sino.
"Hey..." I greeted.
"You're sitting here alone," luminga siya sa harap namin kung saan tanaw ang maraming estudyante sa field. "May problema ba?"
I pursed my lips and shook my head. "Wala naman."
"Sure?" He smiled a little.
I stared at him for a second before looking at the field again. Mahangin lalo't hapon na. Sumasayaw ang mga sanga ng kahoy na nakapaligid sa amin. Wala na akong klase at dapat nasa condo na ako ngayon pero tinatamad pa akong umuwi. I should be reading right now but I'm just not in the mood.
"How do you consistently motivate yourself? Iyong kahit bumagsak ka hindi nawawala 'yong motivation mo?" I glanced at him.
Sumandal siya sa upuan kaya nagtama ang mga braso namin. Tumingin siya sa field at napanguso. Hinahangin ang buhok niyang medyo humahaba na.
"If you're talking about failing in exams... I won't be able to relate." He smirked.
Imbes na mainis ay natawa na lang ako at napailing. Sumandal din ako sa upuan at pinagkrus ang mga braso sa dibdib. The sun is starting to set already and we're watching it live.
"Yabang..." I muttered.
He chuckled and glanced at me. "But in life, I failed many times already. If you're asking me if motivation is consistent, I'd say... it depends upon the person."
"I want to be always motivated... na kahit bumagsak ako ng ilang ulit, I won't feel too bad about it and just keep on going." I admitted.
One of the things I want to constantly improve about myself is how I deal with failures. Yeah, I always say that I need to accept it and keep going, pero minsan din ang hirap. I hate that I've been too much already but I feel like I am still not numb with it... not still used to it.
Dapat sanay na ako kasi ilang beses na akong bumagsak, sa buhay o sa pag-aaral man. Now, I failed another major exam, and I'm starting to doubt again. That's what I hate about myself... I claim that I've changed and I'm now stronger but the truth is... there's still this weak part of me.
I want to change that. I want to be consistent. I don't want any conditional commitments.
"Change your mindset." Kean said simply.
Kumunot ang noo ko at tiningnan siya. Nakatingin siya sa field kaya kalahati ng mukha niya ang nakikita ko. The setting sun reflected on his face making him look like a Japanese painting or something.
"If you failed at anything, it doesn't mean you're not good at it or you didn't do your best. It means you need to learn more. Simple as that."
"You make it sound like it's easy," I bit my lip and glanced at the sky.
"If you think that it's easy, it will be easy. Kung iisipin mong mahirap... pwedeng hindi mo na susubukan. Pero kung iisipin mong madali, susubukan mo. It's okay to feel bad because that's what you really need to do, to recognize your emotions. But what you shouldn't do is tap out and say you can't do it anymore."
Napatitig ako sa mukha niya. I've been seeing Kean more often now and sometimes, he'd text me and I'd reply. Isang beses ulit kaming lumabas sa nakaraang buwan and I can say that I'm comfortable with him, just like before.
"Just always remember this, Sien." He said and looked directly in my eyes. "The real failure is when you stop trying."
And I'd be lying if what he didn't tell me didn't make me feel better. I smiled at him and nodded.
