Chapter 45
"How is it?"
Blangkong tingin ang ibinigay ko kay Renz. Sinubukan kong ngumiti pero pumalya ako.
"Kailangang bumawi. I need to pull up my grades before the second semester or I may not finish on time." I said.
"We'll have another long exam next week. Kaya pa?" Tanong niya.
"Kaya pa," I smiled a little and nodded.
But, who am I convincing? Kahit sa sarili kong pandinig, hindi ako sigurado sa sinabi ko. Kaya ko pa ba? Kaya pang bawiin, kaso nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa. Kaya pang bawiin kaso pagod na ako sa kakasubok pero walang nagbabago.
Iginapang ko ang buong araw. Kahit gusto kong umuwi at iiyak lahat ng bigat ng loob ay hindi ko magawa. I have lectures to attend and I can't miss it anymore. I already failed three subjects and it may happen again if I don't do it right.
Pagka-uwi ay sa kama ang bagsak ko. Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatitig sa kisame ng aking kwarto. I don't have the energy to do anything. My heart and mind feels so heavy. Wala akong gana para kumilos kahit alam kong may exam na naman kami bukas.
I wiped my cheeks when I heard my phone ring. Tinitigan ko ang screen ng phone. Si Tina iyong tumatawag. I am not in the mood to entertain anyone but it might be important so I answered the call after clearing my throat.
"Hello," paos kong bati.
"Hey, you're not answering my messages for two days. Are you alright?" She asked in a concerned tone.
Hindi ako agad sumagot. Huling kita namin ay no'ng nag-dinner kaming dalawa. She's messaging me the past days but I couldn't reply because I was busy and again, I don't have the energy to connect with people.
"I'm just busy. Okay lang ako, don't worry."
"Are you sure? Do you want me to come over?"
"Tina, I'm fine, really. You need to rest. Wala pa si Camden kaya 'wag kang labas ng labas." I said.
Nagpumilit siya dahil nag-aalala raw pero kinumbinsi ko siyang okay lang ako. I ended the call and forced myself to get out of my bed. I took a shower and just cooked noodles for dinner. I was eating while reading my notes. Pilit na pilit lahat. Kahit wala nang pumapasok sa utak ko, pinipilit ko pa rin.
Natigil ang pagbabasa ko nang marinig ang muling pagtunog ng cellphone. I stood up and went to the bed. Nanigas ako nang makitang si Axev ang tumatawag. I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth. I ignored the call and silenced my phone.
How stupid of me to think of giving it a try? How ignorant of me to hope that maybe we could still fix it? And moreover, how dare he lie to me all this time?!
If there is something going on with him and Gianna then why would he still come to me and declare his sick-stupid love and affection?! He never stopped loving me? Just fuck him!
I feel like I've been played. I feel like I was fooled. But no matter how I think of it, I could not justify my feelings. I am angry at him for fooling me with his words and actions but I am mad at myself for crossing boundaries.
This is a no-strings-attached relationship. Sa una pa lang, alam ko na dapat na kahit anong sabihin niya, hindi ako dapat humakbang sa linyang naghihiwalay sa aming dalawa. I could touch him from where I am standing but I should never cross the dangerous line.
But I've crossed it already. I was already convincing myself to give it a try but after I saw those pictures, everything burned down to the ground. And I wish I could burn my feelings too...
