You are the Reason

Chapter 29

It looks obvious that Glaiza is in a deep thought. She's biting her nail while unconsciously shaking her legs in up and down ways. Malikot ang mga mata niya habang malalim at matatagal ang binibitawang pag hinga.

It's been hours since the burial and I've been with her since last night. Napakain ko na siya kahit papano pero halatang kailangan niya rin ng tulog.

We weren't really talking that much. She needs her personal space and she needs time to think. Hindi ko na pinilit pang pag usapan ang tungkol sa aming dalawa.

Last night, when she cried her eyes out while repeatedly saying that she hates me, I knew damn well that she doesn't want to feel another pain anymore. As she fell in a deep sleep last night, I realized that the only choice that's left is letting all of it go.

I slightly pat her back. "You should sleep," mahina kong sabi. "You need to sleep..." sinalubong ko ang tingin niya.

"Aalis ka ba?" Alanganin niyang sabi.

Umiling lang ako. She looked at me while squinting her eyes. Signs that she doesn't believe my signal.

"I won't." Diretso kong sabi. "Nandito ako pagkagising mo." I smiled slightly.

We can at least be friends... right?

She looked hurt and in so much pain. The way she sleeps doesn't even look peaceful. Hindi ako sigurado kung dahil ba 'yon sa pagkakamatay ng lola niya, pero alam kong nasasaktan siya.

She kept on ranting about what she felt all throughout the relationship. The problems that she never mentioned, and the pain that she's been feeling before.

She kept on mentioning about her what ifs and the questions that she never had the chance to ask. Or at least the questions that she never felt asking.

"I wanted you to ask me what was wrong..." mahina niyang sabi sa gitna ng bawat hikbi. "Ayaw kitang utusan na maging girlfriend ko kasi gusto kong gawin mo ang mga bagay na yon nang hindi ko inuutos." Umiiyak na sabi niya noong magkatabi kami sa higaan niya pagtapos niya sabihing hindi niya ako gusto.

"Come here..." I gently whispered as I pulled her closer to me. "I'm sorry," marahan kong sabi habang namamahinga ang mga labi sa kanyang noo.

"I hate you..." she said in between her sobs.

"I know," pumikit ako ng mariin.

I don't want her to cry like this again. I never thought how bad of a girlfriend I was until she mentioned what she felt before. Masyado ko siyang nasasaktan... masyadong nadudurog at inuubos niya ang sarili niya para sakin. It's not healthy for her. Not healthy for the relationship.

Mahirap pala talagang kumawala. Talaga ngang hindi ang iniiwan ang nag iisang nasasaktan.

As much as I want to keep on choosing her, I don't think that I'll make the right decision if I'll do that.

Magkakasakitan lang kami at mag sisisihan. Alam kong hindi niya isinusumbat ang mga sakit na naramdaman dahil sakin pero alam ko rin na ako nag naging dahilan ng mga sikreto niyang pag iyak.

"I'm sorry for being so insensitive," mahina kong sabi na sapat lang para marinig niya.

I promise, this will be the last hug. Maybe not the last time that she'll cry because of me... but I won't bug her anymore. Not after knowing how empty she is by giving me her all.

Natatakot na akong magkamali at muli siyang saktan. She's like wrecked and shaking from the inside. She can't even see her own worth. I am not healthy for her. I don't give her the peace of mind that she deserves.