Uncontrollable Obsession

Kapitulo 21

Sorry

Kanina pa sumisikat ang araw pero hindi pa rin ako bumangon dahil sa higpit ng braso niyang nakapaikot sa baywang ko. Ilang beses ko ng sinubukan pero hindi ako nagtagumpay, naisip ko rin kasing kapag hindi ko matantya maaari siyang maalimpungatan at baka tuluyang magising dahil sa akin.

Alam ko pa naman na puyat siya dahil gumising siya kaninang umaga at nagtrabaho. May tinapos yata siya. I also heard last night from his conversation that the final design will be needed.

Bumaba ang paningin ko sa braso niya. Muli ko itong sinubukang tanggalin. Dapat magtatagumpay ako para man lang makahinga rin ako ng maluwag. Malapit ko na itong matanggal ngunit natigilan ako nang ibalik niya ito sa pagkayapos. At hinapit niya pa ako. Mahina akong napasinghap.

He's now awake!

Narinig ko ang boses niyang paos pa. Tumatama sa batok ko ang mainit na hininga niya.

"You should really stop holding your breath, 'Ga."

At the same time as he said those words, I was breathing heavily. Mamamatay ako sa presensya niya. Palagi ko nalang nakakalimutang huminga. Normal pa ba ako? Hindi ko alam na nakakabobo pala ang pagmamahal.

Saka, talagang sinanay na rin niya akong tawagin sa ganoon. Hindi ko man lang nagawang malaman ang kahulugan ng salitang 'yon kasi hindi niya sa'kin sinabi. Baka raw hindi ko magustuhan ang kahulugan n'on. Malay lang niya 'yon.

I turned my whole body towards him. His eyes were still closed so I had the chance to stare at his gentle face without feeling awkwardness. I raised my left hand and let it stroke the bridge of his nose. I still can't believe that I woke up in a bed with him next to me and not a pillows anymore. Could his wife feel it too? Did she also feel the security in his arms? Kasi iyon ang palagi kong nararamdaman.

It was only then that I realized for the first time, that I didn't let my mind exist in our situation at this moment but I let my feelings sink into the warm and tender emotions I felt with him, in his muscular, tough and strongs arms. For the first time, I was able to use and follow what my heart says without even thinking about the consequences. That the word “conscience” did not even occur in this moments.

I'm not sure to my decision anymore. Last night, I just made a planned. I made a decision that I think, it's very appropriate for the two of us. That we shouldn't be here for too long. That I won't let him decide me anymore. That I want to make him think, to confuse him. Like... I'm just lying about my feelings. Na sinakyan ko lang sila sa kanilang paglalaro. It's all about game. Everything is just a lie. That's what I want to do but at this time, I don't know anymore. I completely abandoned the plan and followed what my heart was screaming, instead.

Nakakabobo naman nito. Even though I knew that I was not allowed to have a relationship with him... ako pa mismo ang sumulong.

A part of me wanted to push him away, that there's a thing sermonizing my immoral attitude that's why I must really push him, that I should end this. But there was also a little part in my mind that I should not be worry of the possible consequences because I am not alone if his wife will find this out. Dalawa kaming mananagot. And I was disappointed because that latter is what I did. I drowned myself in to the fire.

Isinantabi ko muna ang mga naiisip at hinayaan ang sarili sa sandali naming 'yon. I let myself enjoy being with him.

My fingers moved through his messy hair. I pouted when our first meeting occurred to me. His hair was in a perfect back then. So I tried to fix it, to similize. But I couldn't have done it perfect with myself. A minute passed and I think I just messed up his hair. I winced when I couldn't imitate his hairdo no matter what I did. Iniwan ko ang ginagawa sa buhok niya.