Uncontrollable Obsession

Kapitulo 22

Niyog

My tears have never stopped flowing down both on my cheeks. And even though the line was gone I feel like I still can hear what she said.

Her sobbed was obviously so broken. And no matter how I shake and shake my head, I also feels like she's just around here, kneeling and begging. Her excessive crying due to the intense pain she felt was the reason why my chest tighten like this, very hard.

Tulala ako sa gilid ng kama. My chin was on my knees while my arms wrapped around my legs. Nabasa na ang mga tuhod ko ng sariling luha. Wala na yatang balak tumigil buhat pa kanina. I couldn't think of anything but only her voice. My mind went blank. Ni hindi na ako kumilos. And didn't even think about eating lunch because for some reason I didn't feel hungry at all.

Nakarinig ako ng mahihinang katok mula sa labas ng pinto pero hindi ako kumilos para pagbuksan ito. Inangat ko lang ang ulo at sandali itong sinulyapan bago binalik sa tuhod ang baba. I thought it wouldn't stop but the person outside just knocked five times and then it stopped. I thought it was Zekeil but I heard a voice and it's from an old woman. Natanto ko rin kalaunan na iyon ang taga-luto namin dito. Kasi kung si Zekeil nga naman ang nasa labas, hindi iyon kakatok. Deri-deritso lang iyong pumasok.

Back then I wanted to meet her to get to know her but at that moment, I lost the desire. My life shouldn't be like this. Far from what I imagined. I have always expected this but I never thought it would happen on my special day. Natawa ako ng matabang. I was able to fool myself.

Akala ko ba utak ang pinapairal ko? Bakit kasama ko si Zekeil sa bahay na'to? But then... I realized that I was tired. I'm really tired of avoiding him, especially that I know that he has no intention to stop pursuing me. How ironic!

Nakakasawa na rin kasing mag-panggap na wala akong pakialam sa presensiya niya. Hirap na hirap akong kontrolin ang naramdaman lalo na at dalawa lang kami sa bahay na'to. I admit, we don't have much physical contact, but emotional contact... we always have. From time to time. Kaharap ko man siya o hindi, nararamdaman ko parin. And I can't deny that.

Oo nga at naiiwasan ko siya kapag umaga ngunit tuwing sumasapit na ang gabi... hindi ko nagagawa kasi hanggang ngayon iniisip ko parin ang kasalanan ko. Because of that, I let him do what he wanted. And that was him hugging me all night long.

Apat na gabi na kaming nag-katabing natulog.

Parang nagkaroon pa ako ng utang na loob sa kaniya dahil sa mga bagay na ginawa niya at binigay sa akin. Plano lang naman ang lahat pero pakiramdam ko tinotoo ko na.

I fell asleep crying a bucket of tears in that room.  At nagsisisi ako kung bakit ang dali kong nagising kasi muli na namang umagos ang luha ko. The things I could see were blurry in my eyes.

Time was spent that day that I did not leave in the room. Fortunately Zekeil wasn't here so I didn't worry that much because I knew no one would see me like this. I am confident that I will not be heard. Besides, the old woman didn't come back either.

Awtomatikong lumiwanag ang buong silid nang sumapit ang gabi. Tumayo ako at pinatay ito, ang lampshade sa bedside table na nakapatong ang siyang binuksan ko. Nilapitan ko ang pinto at dinoble ang pag-trangka nito.

Kahit ngayong gabi lang na'to sana hayaan niya ako ritong mag-isa.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong kinabahan gayung wala namang nakakatakot. Saktong pagtalikod ko nang makarinig ng katok. Natigilan ako at nanigas sa kinatatayuan.

"Lang?"

I swallowed hard when he repeatedly turned the handle bar that could not be opened because it was double locked.