Uncontrollable Obsession

Kapitulo 18

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"Don't you like it?"

I was stunned and unable to utter. It was as if I was frozen in my stand because of what I heard. Is he asking me about his corny lines? Of course yes, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't like it? But I waved it off and thought it was just a game so I wouldn't expect it. That the joy I felt was replaced by disappointment. That's more I like! Yeah! I like to disappoint myself.

Even though I love him, I have no intention of having a relationship with him. I will not allow myself. It's forbidden. Yes, this is the first time I've heard a corny line from him so naturally I love it. Hindi na dapat tinatanong pa. His words were really surprising to my ears and that I was encouraged to do bad things but it's not right.

Tuwang-tuwa ako n'ong nalaman kong hindi paglalaro ang lahat sa kaniya, na ang nararamdaman ko ay nararamdaman din niya. It's like bad feels good and good feels bad. Bad, because he's already tied and yet I let myself fell for him. And at the same time, good because it was not only me who fell but also him.

I am selfish in that area, alright! I only think about myself. I only focused on my pleasure, I didn't think that I would hurt someone. And I know what I did was so wrong that's why I try and chose to ignore him. I don't want this feeling to continue, not that I don't like it but it's needed to stop... for my sake and for them. So while it's still early, I'll start to stop what I feel. Because if I just let this feelings, it will get deeper. At baka sa puntong iyon, mahihirapan akong kalimutan siya.

After recovering from his words, I come close but I stopped with some distance away from him. If he doesn't set a limit, I will. Not only for him but for myself.

N'ong nag-almusal kami. Hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi at nakita iyon ng mga kasama namin doon. Hindi ako nakaalma sa ginawa niya kasi naunahan ako ng gulat at nahihiya rin sa nakakakita.

He didn't even think about the consequences of everything. At nang gawin niya iyon, hindi ko alam kung may ihaharap pa ba akong mukha sa kanila. Kasado siya pero nanghalik ng pisngi ko. Let's just say this way... maybe he did it because somehow he considered me as his friend... but is it really necessary to kiss right in front of the people?

So if he doesn't want to put a limit on himself, I will. I understand that he misses the presence of his wife. That he misses her so much. Pero puwede naman sigurong huwag ako ang ipampalit niya. Kasi hindi naman ako laruan. Na puwedeng gamitin habang wala ang asawa. I hope he won't really do. Because I never dreamed of being his wife's replacement.

"Dalawang milyon kaya, ayos na ba? Bayad ko sa pag-terminate ng kontrata," sabi ko.

At hindi pinansin ang kaniyang tanong.

Sumeryoso bigla ang ekspresiyon ng mukha niya. Nawala roon ang nakita kong kaaliwan. At sa halip pumalit ang madilim at malamig.

"Why do you want to terminate it? Are you afraid to live here for the rest of your life?"

"Ano?"

"That's what we're talking about."

"It's not like that!"

Hindi ganiyan ang sinabi ni tita sa akin. Wala sa kontrata iyon. Pero natigilan ako bigla nang naalala ko ang kaniyang sinabi n'ong gabing 'yon.

"I mean... you said, if you're not busy anymore, then I can be free. And now that you're not busy, then I can leave here."

Tumaas bigla ang sulok ng kaniyang labi. Naiilang naman ako sa titig niyang hindi na natanggal mula kanina.

"You can't. You still have to treat my Zheliegh."