Always Adam

Chapter 36

I wake with the most awful hangover. Shit. I try to think of where I was last night and what happened. Memories of Eric come back to me. I roll over to the edge of the bed and puke all over my floor. My stomach convulses and I start to cry. I kissed Eric. I kissed Eric a lot. I puke again. Sweat pours down my face. Shit. I want to crawl to the bathroom and take an entire bottle of pills. I want to forget about kissing Eric. I want to forget about Adam. I just want the pain to end. Unfortunately, I can't even move. I fall back to sleep.

I wake much later in the day. The puke has been cleaned up. My head is throbbing. I start to sob. After a couple minutes I hear my door open. Donna sits on the bed next to me. "Rough night," she asks. I'm grateful she's not giving me a lecture. I slowly shake my head yes. "When is the hurt going to go away," I cry. Donna wipes back my hair. "I don't know baby," she says. I can tell her heart is breaking for me. I climb onto her lap and cry. I don't want to cry anymore, but I can't stop the tears. I miss him so much. I hate him. I love him.

I spend the entire day and night in bed. I've relapsed. I was doing so good. I'm mad at myself. Donna brings me soup late into the evening with some crackers and ginger ale. She tells me Eric called the home phone a couple times. I tell her what I did last night. I'm so ashamed. "You're not with Adam anymore Carly. It's alright to kiss other boys." She says. I shake my head no. "I shouldn't have. It wasn't anything like kissing Adam. I didn't feel anything. It was. It was disappointing. I wanted there to be fireworks. There was nothing for me." Donna grins and says, "Obviously there was for Eric." I crack a smile, but then feel bad.

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince Carly. Just because there wasn't anything there when you kissed Eric, doesn't mean someone else won't give you fireworks," she tells me. I think about what she said and try to feel better. I know she's right. I remember how Julie told me kissing Hank Tyler in the eighth grade was like kissing a rock. His lips were cold and chapped. I guess you can't expect fireworks with everyone you kiss. Otherwise everyone would marry the first person they kiss. Adam can't be the only person to give me fireworks.

I feel much better when I wake up the next morning. I decide to go for a run. I run for only about a mile before I head back home. I haven't ran for a while so I know I won't last as long as I'd like. When I get back home, I put on my swimsuit and join Teddy and Olivia out at the pool. They had it put in during the spring. Donna is sitting on the back porch watching them swim. "Feeling better today," she asks. "I am. Thank you for everything," I say giving her a hug.

I spend the afternoon playing in the pool with Teddy and Olivia. We play shark attack. We play Marco Polo. We lay out. We eat snacks by the pool. Eventually Mike makes his way over and joins us. After joining us for dinner, Mike and I go to the movies. It feels nice to be doing normal things. We share a box of popcorn and a pack of twizzlers. I chose a comedy. It feels good to laugh. After the movie, we go home. I lay in bed listening to music. I got heavy rock blaring into my head. I actually fall asleep.

The rest of my summer falls into an easy pattern. Monday through Friday I spend my days with the kids. Mike joins us most days. Our friendship has grown over the weeks. Our relationship is different this time. I don't have a crush on him anymore. He knows our relationship will never be anything more than friendship. I find I go days without thinking about Adam. I called Eric and let him down easy. I told him I wasn't ready to date after breaking up with Adam. He was actually cool about it. He told me I knew where to find him if I changed my mind.

August is slowly passing by. I can feel the panic setting in. I know I have to go back to my house before the month ends. I thought about selling the house, but Ted talked me out of it. He thought it was really good investment. I just wasn't sure I could go back there. All the memories in the house were attached to Adam. We weren't there together for very long, but everything reminds me of him. I wasn't sure I could handle being back there without a setback. I was proud of myself and how far I had come. It hadn't been easy, but I was moving forward.