Always Adam

Chapter 42

The two weeks with Carlos flies by. We spend every second we can together. I am already dreading his leaving. I won't see him until spring break. And even then, he will only be home for the week. We're in my bedroom lying on my bed. I'm wrapped in his arms. "I'm going to miss you so much," I tell him. "I'm going to miss you more," he says. I can hear the worry in his voice. He will be in California and Adam is here. I know this bothers him. I have told Carlos in many ways that I love him, but I still can't bring myself to say those words. I still love Adam and until I don't, I can't say them to Carlos. Often, I find myself wondering how it would be if Nikki had never been found.

I had offered to take Carlos to the airport, but he insisted on an uber. He said it would be easier for us to say goodbye here. I don't think saying goodbye would be easier no matter where we were. I walk him to the door and hold him for a long time when it comes time for him to go. The uber driver is patiently waiting. I try not to cry, but the tears come. He gently wipes them away. "We'll talk all the time. We can facetime," he says. Our relationship is still so new. I can't help but wonder how it will be when he comes back in a couple months. We kiss and kiss some more. Finally, he must go. I stand outside and watch him put his bag in the trunk. He turns and smiles at me. "I love you Carly," he says before climbing inside. I blow him a kiss as the car drives off.

I go back inside and find Nat in the kitchen. "You alright," she asks. "I'm fine. I'm going to miss him." She takes a drink of the water she's holding. "I know you don't want to say much about your relationship around Ava, but if you need or want to talk, I'm here." I follow her into the living room and sit on the couch while she takes the lounge chair. "I guess I'm confused," I say. She waits and then asks, "About what." I think about what I want to say. "I love Carlos. He's awesome. He's kind, caring and sweet. His priority is to make sure I am taken care of and happy. My needs always come first with Carlos." She waits while I gather my thoughts. "I still love Adam," I finally say. "Not in the I want to be with him way. Just in the I still love him. He's always still there. I can't get rid of him."

We sit in silence. "Adam was your first love. Your first love is always there Carly. I am head over heels in love with Marcus, but Greg is always there. In the background. I don't talk much about what I had with him. We are friends now, but it took a lot of time and work to get there. I was in love with him. He was my first. I wasn't his first. He loves me and still cares about me, but I know I'm not always the one in the background for him. There's some other girl out there that holds that spot. It's just how it is when it's your first real love." I think about what she said. "So, what your saying is it will always be Adam that holds that spot for me." She nods. "Regardless of who I am with or end up with." She nods again. I get up and go over to give her a hug. "Thanks Nat. You know your awesome right." She laughs and says, "Damn right."

I think about what Nat said long after I climbed in bed. I can almost understand Adam a little better after my talk with Nat. Nikki holds that spot in Adam's heart. She was his first. She would always be there. It helps me understand his decision more. It gives me some peace to understand. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. My mind is busy with my thoughts all over the place. When I finally fall asleep, I find myself trapped inside two walls. Adam is on one side trying to rescue me while Carlos is on the other. I wake before I see who gets to me first.

My classes started the same week as Carlos' classes. That first week back we're both so busy we barely have time to touch base with each other until after ten. With the new semester I have new classes and new people in those classes. Cody is in the same accounting class as me. We also have an English class together. Mike and Cody are both able to meet me for lunch this semester.

I'm walking with Mike discussing one of the English assignments I have when I notice Adam's car outside our house. I stop walking as Mike continues for several seconds before he realizes he lost me. He stops and looks back at me. His gaze follows my eyes. "What the hell," he says out loud. I stare at the car. Adam has never come to the house after our breakup. At least not that I know of. "I'll go inside and find out what's going on. Wait here," he says pulling me over to a tree. He positions me, so I won't be seen if Adam comes out. I watch as he hurries inside.