Always Adam

Chapter 38

Pounding on the door wakes me from my sleep. I lay there listening to hear what woke me. The pounding starts again. I glance at the clock on the nightstand. It's after two in the morning. Who on earth is pounding on my door at this time of night? I stand and gather my bearings. I walk to the door and turn on the light. I immediately see Adam standing there. My heart stops. I suck in a breath. I blink several times. I stare at him through the glass window of the door. I waited for this since the day he walked out. I wonder if I am dreaming.

I take a deep breath and open the door. He stands there looking ruffled, but utterly gorgeous. I can't believe he's here. He's finally here. I want to throw myself into his arms and tell him how much I've missed him. I want to feel his lips on mine. I also want to reach out and smack his face. I want to hit him till the hurt and rage I feel goes away. My emotions are all over the place. Instead I stand there staring him. I don't speak nor does he. We just stand there looking at each other.

"Can I come in," he finally says breaking the silence. I turn and walk into the living room. He closes the door and follows. Not sure what to do, I sit in the chair so I'm not close to him. I don't trust myself at the moment. I hate his guts. I still love him. I hate that I still love him. The emotions going through me are totally whacked. I have no idea what he's about to say to me. I have to be strong. He left me hanging. I understand what he had to do, but he shut me out. Is he here to tell me he's back with Nikki. Is he here to tell me we're officially done. Does it matter. In my mind we are already done. I could never abandon someone I love the way he abandoned me.

I sit and wait. He isn't saying anything. Anger rages inside me. "If you have something to say Adam then you need to say it. I need you to say what you came to say and then you need to get out," I say. My voice is not recognizable. It's a mixture of sadness, terror and pure heartbreak. The glue that was holding my broken heart together is slowing cracking. Any minute my heart is going to shatter into pieces. This time I'm not sure I can glue the pieces back together. Whatever he says in the next few minutes could completely break me. No. I am already broke.

He looks shocked by my outburst. "This is hard for me," he says in nearly a whisper. I almost wonder if I heard him say anything at all. I stare at him. Why does he have to be so good looking? Why does my body react the way it does anytime I am near him. Why was I stupid enough to fall in love with him? I knew he had baggage. I just assumed his baggage was gone and in the past. I had no idea his baggage would make its way back to the present. I'm happy Nikki is alive, but I hate her. Jealously is rearing its ugly head. I don't like jealous Carly. I don't like vulnerable Carly.

I start to stand, and he stops me and as he sits on the couch. He turns to me and says "I'm sorry for the way I left you Carly. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner. You have every right to be mad at me. Hell, I'm mad at myself." He's looking me in the eyes, and I can see he's in pain. I wonder if my own eyes reflect the same pain. "When I left, I honestly didn't know what to expect. I was in shock. I looked for her for so long. You have to understand Carly. Nikki was a part of my life for so long. I had to go to her. I had to be with her. I needed to know what happened to her. Where she's been. Why she didn't contact anyone," he pleads for understanding.

I look at him for a long time before speaking. "I understand that part Adam. I really do. It's the lack of communication for months that I don't understand," I tell him angrily. "I was part of your life too. You just left me hanging. I was devastated. You crushed me," I say emphasizing the word crushed. He winces at my words. I don't care though. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him bad. As much as I still love him, I hate him right now. I almost can't stand to even look at him. I wonder if he can see the hate I feel in my eyes.