Chapter 41

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The day after Christmas Mike and I head back to our house. He covers his ears as I sing along to top forty songs. He laughs at all the notes I get wrong. We have fun on the drive. The kiss forgotten. There were no fireworks on my end. It was a nice kiss, but nothing more. I can't really say for sure how Mike felt about the kiss. I decided not to bring it up ever. When my throat hurts from singing I quiet down. Mike looks at me for a long time. I start to squirm under his stare. "I'd never stop looking for you either Carly if something were to happen to you. I'll always be here for you. Even if we don't talk or see other for months or years. You can always count on me," he says. I reach over and take his hand. "Same," I say before giving it a squeeze and letting go.

Carlos and I spend the time we have left together as much as possible. New Year's Eve we go dancing at Rush thanks to Nat's brother. I thought it was odd that Nat was with Marcus, but still had a close relationship with Greg. I know he's still her foster brother, but the whole thing with them sleeping together is just a bit odd to me. Nat didn't hide her relationship with Marcus from Greg and there was no jealousy or tension. It was as if they had never had sex with each other. If I hadn't known about it, I would have never guessed.

I spend the night dancing with Carlos. And making out with Carlos. Nat and Marcus were sitting in a booth going at it. I had to admit that the two of them together was explosive. I tried not to look too hard for fear they were getting it on in the booth. I mean the way they were sitting and her with her barely there skirt. There was no way I was sitting on that side of the booth. I guess Carlos noticed it also. "I think they're having sex in that booth," Carlos said quickly turning away from the scene. I break out laughing. "I think your right."

It was just after eleven thirty when I sensed him. Carlos had just come back with another drink for me. He tipped my face to his and planted a soft kiss on my lips. The hair stands up on my arms. I feel a sudden lump in my throat. I glanced around. Then I see him. My mouth goes dry and I am sure my face is pale. He stands in the corner staring at me. Our eyes meet. I try to look away but can't. We just stand there staring at each other. It's like time is standing still. Everyone else has disappeared. It's just the two of us.

I can hear Carlos talking. It takes all I have to pull my eyes away and look at him. He hasn't noticed I spaced out. "I need to use the bathroom. I'll be back I tell him." I hurry to the bathroom. Once inside I make my way to the back of the small bathroom and hurry into the handicapped stall. I lean against the wall. I close my eyes. I open them and there he is. He's in the women's bathroom staring intently at me. I swallow hard. He moves closer to me and reaches out to run his hand up my arm. I break out in goosebumps. His touch feels so good. I close my eyes and pray for strength. I feel his hand slide into my hair and around the back of my head. He pulls my head forward and his lips touch mine.

I try to stop him but can't. Instead of saying stop, my tongue finds his and I sigh with contentment. My arms go around his head and I press myself to him. We kiss with an urgency I never felt before. His lips trail down my neck and I moan. My body wants him so bad. I feel like I will explode if I don't feel him in me. His hand slides up the inside of my leg. I know I should stop him when I feel his finger slip inside my underwear. Instead I moan louder when he touches me. I move so his finger goes deeper. I need him. I reach down and unzip his pants. I pull him out and stroke him. He groans in my ear and I nearly come. He leans down so I can straddle him. He slips inside me and I feel whole again.

When we're done the shame sets in. I feel so ashamed. He can sense the change in me immediately. He can tell he's losing me. "I love you Carly. Please don't feel bad about this. I love you. Please tell me you still love me." I feel the tears falling. It's true and I know it. I still love him. It's still him. It will always be him. But I can't forgive him. "I do still love you Adam. I just can't forgive you," I tell him. He looks at me devastated. He zips up while use toilet paper to clean myself up. Shame overtakes me. I'm here with Carlos. He's wonderful and I really like him. I won't sleep with him, but I'll have sex with Adam in the bathroom of a bar. What is wrong with me.

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