Always Adam

Chapter 18

I sit in class and think about Donnie and Laura. I'm relieved I didn't have to hurt Donnie by rejecting him if he had asked me out, but I think about Laura and get really mad. No one should string someone along and treat them like that. It makes me think of Mike and what he did to me. Maybe Donnie and I have something in common. I wonder if he loves her. I think about Mike and wonder how I really felt and how I feel about him now. I admit I still think about him. I often wondered how he was doing. I know I shouldn't, but he's been such a huge part of my life it's hard not to think about him. I understand why Donnie goes back to Laura. She's all he's ever known.

After school I get to my car and find Adam leaning against it. My heart rate increases. He gives me one of his heart stopping smiles. My knees go weak. I smile back at him. Neither of us says anything. I'm lost in his eyes. He's so gorgeous. He scares me. I've never felt like this around a guy. Not even Mike had this kind of effect on me. With Mike I was attracted to him and enjoyed hanging out with him, but he never made my knees go weak.

Realizing that I'm staring, I fight to clear my head. "What's up," I ask stepping closer to him. He runs a hand through his hair. I find myself wishing I was his hand at that moment. I want so bad to reach up run my hand through his hair. I start to lift my hand, but fight to stop the urge. How stupid would that look. I mean it was alright when I was drunk at the club and we were dancing. But to do it now, I mean who does that if the person isn't your boyfriend. "I hate to ask, but Ava has to work and Donnie, well, he's back with the ever controlling Laura," he says pausing. I wait. "Can you drop me off at the river." I want to ask him why, but decide not to. I nod and he goes around and gets in the car.

We drive in silence other than him reminding me which way to go. I have so much I want to ask him, but I don't. I feel comfortable, but yet nervous around him. I feel like if I question him, he'll get irritated or mad. This time he has me leave him off further down the river. He thanks me and walks off. I sit for a couple minutes and watch. He's looking for something. I wonder what he could have lost that was so important he continues to search for it.

Back home I read for a bit. It's close to six and I'm getting hungry. I'm making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when my phone rings. I look down to see a number I don't recognize. "Hello," I say slapping together my sandwich. "Hey Carly," the voice says causing my stomach to instantly flutter. I know who it is, but for some reason I don't want him to know that I know. I know it sounds childish but after Mike I'm just trying to play it cool.

"Um ...," I say. "It's Adam," he says sounding sad. I feel bad instantly. "Oh I know," I say trying to correct my mistake. "I just wasn't expecting to hear from you. What's up," I ask wondering how he got my number. I am guessing he called Ava and she gave it to him. "I hate to ask this, but I need a ride home. Ava's still working and Donnie's with Laura so he can't pick me up." "Well that sounds like a wonderful relationship," I say and he laughs. "Where are you," I ask him. "I'm down at the river where you dropped me off," he says. "Sure. I'll see you in a few," I say hanging up. I make another sandwich. I pour some milk into a thermos and head out the door.

When I get to the river, Adam is sitting on the ground. He looks so sad. I park and get out. I walk over to him with the sandwich and milk. I sit down next to him and hand him a sandwich. "I was just about to have dinner when you called." He looks at the sandwich and smiles. "I see you went all out." I look over at him and my breath catches. I don't think I could ever get tired of looking at him. "Nothing but the best for you," I say pulling out my own sandwich. "Have to share the milk though. I only have one thermos."

I open the cap on the thermos and set it between us. We eat in silence. When he finishes his sandwich he takes a long drink and sets the thermos back down. "Thanks Carly. That was the best PBJ I ever had," he grins at me. I roll my eyes and say "Liar." I finish my sandwich and drink the rest of the milk. It's the first time I've shared a drink with a guy other than Mike. We sit there staring out at the water. I turn and watch him. He's lost in thought. I remember what Ava said about not hurting him and that he has been through a lot. I wonder what happened to him.

"Can I ask you something," I finally say. He turns to look at me. "Sure," he says with the same sad look in his eyes. "Do you come here every day after school," I ask hoping he won't tell me to kiss off. He gives me a sad grin. "I do. I've been coming here every day since May eighteenth." I know there must be a reason and I'm almost afraid to ask. "My girlfriend Nikki went missing from a river party May seventeenth. She's never been found," he says.

His eyes are looking directly into mine. His beautiful blue eyes are full of pain. I reach out and take his hand into mine. "I'm so sorry," I say hoping to give him some comfort. Then it hits me. I remember her on the news. It was a party down here at the river and she never made it home. I remember her family crying and asking for her safe return. I don't remember what she looks like. I remember thinking how sad it was. She was just gone. They suspected she had drowned, but her body was never found.

"You come here every day looking for her," I say amazed at his loyalty. "I can't stop myself. That one night changed my entire life," he says. I wait for more, but he doesn't tell me anything else. As much as I want to know what happened, I won't ask. I figure he will tell me when he's ready. I feel honored he shared what he did with me. Still holding my hand he stands pulling me up with him. His strong grip pulled me up as if I were a feather. I'm standing so close to him I can smell him. He smells of soap and a bit of sweat. I like it. "We should go," he says letting go of my hand. It was getting dark and cold. I drive him home in silence. He opens the door and climbs out. He leans in and says "Thanks bad ass. I'll see you tomorrow." Then he closes the door and disappears into his house. I drive home with a big smile on my face.  

I can't help but google Nikki's story when I get home. I read through all the articles I can find. Nikki is beautiful. I stare at the picture of her. Her white blond hair is cut in a cute messy pixie style. She has big blue eyes. She looks very trendy. There's one story with a picture of Adam and her all dressed for most likely prom. Nikki is almost as tall Adam. I stare at her and think how much total opposites we are in looks. There's an article about how Adam and her family are coping after a couple months. After that there are just a few short articles about no leads in the case. They have no idea if she just left. Or if she drown. Or if someone did something to her.

Next, I search facebook. I find a sight dedicated to Nikki. I watch short videos of her at all different ages. A young Nikki dancing in her room. A video of her playing in the very playground I have been visiting. I look closer and realize Adam and Ava are in the video also. I stare at a young Adam. He was a beautiful boy. I watch him and Nikki interact together. I spend the next two hours watching all the videos posted to the sight. Nikki was beautiful. She was so full of life. She carried herself with a confidence I never possessed. There was something about her. When she walked into a room people paid attention. She was the life of the party. I realize I am nothing like Nikki.

I shut down my computer and head to bed. I lay in bed thinking about Adam. He must love Nikki very much. It's been five months and he's still looking for her. I'm envious of her. To have someone love you that much. If I had to guess, I would have thought that maybe Mike would feel that way if something happened to me. That was before. Boy was I stupid. I want to beat myself up thinking about Mike. He didn't want me in his life anymore obviously. I needed to get over him already. It was his loss. I wanted someone like Adam. Someone who would love me enough to look for me as long as it took. In a warped way, it was very romantic. I didn't know the entire story, but now I knew why Adam didn't have a girlfriend. He was deeply in love with Nikki.