Reconnecting With My Dad John

Goodbye Daughter

Do you ever get a feeling that you have done something before it feels abit like dejavu? That is how I always feel. I feel like I have done and seen people before but I have no recollection of them or how I would know them?.

Since that whole nightmare with Tony my life has been like a puzzle. It feels like everyday I remember something small and it's strange. It is like I'm a puzzle that is slowly getting put back together again.

I feel uneasy about the fact that dad and yoko are having a baby together. I take up alot of dad's time as I only ever feel safe when I'm with him and I know it frustrates him at times that I'm always following him but in this entire world he is the only person I know for certain is mine.

Every day Cynthia calls me on the phone and dad makes me speak to her and it is awkward and it makes me feel bad. I can hear in her voice how desperate she is for me to remember her. I can hear the pain in her voice and the sadness. She Is always talking about the things that we have apparently done and how for years it was just me and her and we were happy and I want to remember her just so I can take her sadness away and she seems like a lovely lady but I just can't remember her.

Yoko is a mystery I find myself wondering how our relationship was before the accident? did I like her?  were we close? Did I call her mother? I just don't know but I feel uneasy around her.

We were all sitting having breakfast and yoko was smiling and John was looking happy with yoko and they were talking about yoko being pregnant and how happy they are and I felt like I don't belong and I began to feel jealous.

Sometimes I get abit much for dad and he pulls away from me like he needs to be separate from me but he never seems to feel that way with yoko. Is this how I always am or is this a new trait. I don't know anything about how I was before. I don't know how to act I feel like I'm a stranger to myself and it's scary.

"why do you care about her more than me?" I love I blurted out making John and yoko turn to look at me

"what do you mean?."  John asked

"you get annoyed when I show you affection but you never get annoyed with her.

" Tilly she's my wife I love her"

"I'm your daughter your meant to love me"

"I do love you Tilly I just can't be hugging you and giving you affection 24/7"

"yes you can" I shouted

"why are you being like this. You  have never been this needy and demanding before"

"I don't know why in like this. I dunno who I am or how I'm meant to be. Being me is hard when you dont even know who you were." I shouted beginning to cry.

"all this attention seeking is draining. I think maybe you need to go back to your mother"  yoko said obviously done with me.

"no please you can't send me away. Dad is the only person I know please he's all I have. Don't send me away to some stranger please ill back off ill not take up his attention it will be like I am not here just don't throw me away please"

"fine OK you can stay"

"thank you yoko ill behave I swear"

Suddenly this memory came back from the night of the attack. They come to me like flashbacks some times there off a nice memory and some are like a nightmare.

"Tilly honey whats happening are you having another flashback?.

" who's kyoko?." I asked

" that's my daughter" yoko said sounding startled at me mentioning her.

"I remember her she is with Tony but he has brainwashed her to think that you never wanted her. She was so lovely and sweet to me and she seemed so happy for me to be there and that I was showing her kindness. She seemed kind of scared of Tony like she was walking on eggshells and she was very timid.  I remember thinking that when I got the opportunity to run away I was going to take her with me. "

" you looked after my daughter?." yoko asked her eyes brimming with unshed tears.

" I tried to. Tony wouldn't let us be around each other to much but I always tried to show her affection that I felt she never got from him as he is a cold hearted monster who doesn't even love her I feel."

Yoko surprised me when she walked over to me and hugged me. Thank you for showing my daughter what love felt like before she died."

"wait what do you mean died?."

"Tony shot her the same night that he shot you. The police found her at Tony's apartment."

I started to scream. will this nightmare ever end.