Reconnecting With My Dad John

nightmares

Every single night Tony visits me in my nightmares. I can still see the gun and can hear the noise the gun made when he pulled the trigger. I can almost still feel the blood and I can feel the fear that I felt and tonight I woke up screaming for kyoko.

Knowing that Tony killed her has made me feel guilty like I should of done more to protect her and to help her escape somehow. I also fear that Tony is out there just waiting for me so he can finish what he started and kill me as well. I know it is silly since he is in prison awaiting trail.

"Tilly are you ok? I heard your screams." John asked rushing into my bedroom.

"I had another nightmare this time it was about kyoko".

"Kyoko?". Dad asked surprised

"Yeah I suppose I feel guilty."

"Why do you feel guilty tills?."

"Because I couldn't protect her and I pushed Tony to far. Tony always said that Yoko didn't want her and didn't love her and I told kyoko that it wasn't true and that she was very loved and wanted and Tony didn't like it.. maybe if I would of kept quiet kyoko would still be here."

" You told kyoko that Yoko loved her?." Dad asked his voice failing to hide the shock

"Well yes I think she needed to know. No little girl should ever have to feel abandoned and unloved by a parent and if I could make her feel that she was loved then I'm glad I told her."

"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel abandoned"

" What do you mean? I've always been with you right?".

" I keep forgetting you have lost some of your memories. Well no there was a long time where we weren't in regular contact or times we just kept in contact by phone."

" Then where was I? Who was I with? Was I with Yoko?."

"You were with your mother."

"You mean before she died?".

"No tills that was your grandmother that died. It was my mum that died and you never met her. You were with your mum Cyn"

"That women i have to speak to on the phone every week?"

"Yes that's your mother and yous are every close. You actually live with her in London and your here for a holiday."

"This is so confusing for me because I have no memory of that. I feel like I've always been with you. When you tell me that I haven't always been here and I've got another life I know nothing about its scary."

"I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you or to confuse you but you need know the truth so maybe you can begin to fill in the blanks."

" I don't know how to fill in the blanks Its like my memory is a blank void and the snippets of memories I have are of Tony and that night.. every time I close my eyes I see him and the gun. I can almost feel the pain and feel the impact."

"I'm so sorry tills. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you and stop you from hurting"

"It's not your fault it was my choice I just didn't know I'd end up like this. I sometimes think it would be better if I had died."

"Don't say that. I'd rather you be here with limited memory than to have lost you forever."

"Thank you"

"Now try and get some sleep".

"Will you stay with me please?."

"Ok".

John climbs into the bed and lies beside me and pulls me into his arms and cuddles me until I fall back to sleep.