Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 4

BILLIE'S P.O.V

One day. It took me one day to miss her like hell.

Two weeks. It only took me two weeks to break and buy a plane ticket to Michigan.

Four hours and twenty-eight minutes. Exactly. That's exactly how long it took the plane to fly from California to Michigan.

I couldn't do it.

I missed her so fucking much. I missed her smile. I missed her telling me to shut up all the time. I missed watching her blush every time I talked to her. I missed the way she'd fall apart beneath me, and the way a single kiss from her made me melt. I missed being able to hold her hand and kiss her over and over until she got mad and pushed me away.

And finally, there I stood, right in front of her house, desperately missing her—yet my feet stayed planted on the pavement in front of the tall, black gate. I was nervous. Extremely nervous. I'd been anticipating that moment so much that I was worrying over every little thing. Did my outfit look dumb? Did I look fat? Did my breath stink?

Where the hell was my Aquaphor?

I patted my pocket until I found my Aquaphor and put some on. I walked up to the small speaker and clicked the button. It buzzed and then a voice comes through. "Please state your name and business."

"Billie," I replied confusedly.

"Open the gate, Jace." The front door to the house opened and Camilla ran out.

The gate opened and I stepped forward, holding my arms out. She jumped into them and I stumbled back a little, wrapping my arms around her and holding her up.

"You didn't even tell me you were off the plane yet," she mumbled into my jacket.

I set her down and placed my hands on her cheeks, happy to be seeing her smile in person. She was so pretty. I leaned down and kissed her. "Wow, I'm loving the fit," I joked after pulling away from the kiss.

"Hell, yeah. I worked extra hard on it." She laughed.

"Damn. Do a little spin." I grabbed her hand and spun her around, looking at her outfit. I was kidding. She obviously hadn't changed out of her pajamas yet. She was wearing Rugrat pants and a plain, grey T-shirt. She still looked fine as hell though. "Oh, yeah. This is the look. And look at the drip." I grabbed her hand, looking at the ring I gave her.

"Mm-hm." She turned around and led me inside, not letting go of my hand.

"Wow," I said glancing around the house. She'd been telling me that it was huge but I didn't know that it was that big. She typically had a distorted definition of huge in her head because apparently baby spiders were huge too.

"Yeah."

"Camilla," somebody yelled, panic evident in her voice. "He's crying and I don't know what to do."

"I'm coming." She jogged up the stairs and I followed her into a room with LED lights lining the walls, set to dark blue. "Try turning a damn light on. Poor kid." She turned the light on and grabbed a baby from a girl with shoulder-length brown hair and beautiful, green eyes.

Camilla bounced the baby for a minute and he stopped crying. I stepped into the room and grab its tiny hand. "Oh my God. He's so cute. What's his name?"

"His name is Holden."

"Oh my God." I looked up at the girl. I figured it was her sister, Callie. I glanced around the room. It definitely was. Camilla wasn't lying. There were a lot of posters of me in there. "I promise I'm not a creep. You're just really cool." She looked at one of the posters, clearly embarrassed.

I pulled her into a hug, laughing. "Holy hell. Hold on." I let go of her and peek my head into her already-opened closet. Glass shelves were lining the walls with shoes all over them. "Damn. Sneakerhead ass."

"Yeah."

I picked up a pair of off-white Jordan's. "These hoes are clean." I set them back down. "Why is your desk glowing?" I tapped my finger on her desk. The surface was glowing a yellowish-white color.

"Oh. I make flipbooks."

"For real? That's cool."

"I guess." She grabbed a pencil off of the table and dropped it in her pencil cup.

-

"Billie." Camilla laughed, pulling my hand away from the baby's face. "You can't let him put your bracelets in his mouth."

"My bad." I set my hand on my knee, wiping the baby's drool off of it.

"Can we go to my room? I think I've had enough of you obsessing over my siblings."

"Mm-hm." I carefully picked the baby up and handed him to Camilla's stepmom. Camilla grabbed my hand and led me to her room. Her LED lights were on blue just like Callie's. I liked it but not as much as red. I grabbed the remote off of the nightstand and clicked the red button, changing the color of the lights.

"No." She grabbed my arms and pushed me onto the bed, taking the remote and changing the colors back.

"But—"

"It's my room." She raised her eyebrows and then laughed. "Don't be mad because you're not in control of everything anymore."

"Maybe not everything." I flipped us over and kiss her neck. "But even from across the country, you."

She shook her head. "Nuh-uh."

I squeezed her thigh and she dropped the remote. "Mm-hm." I changed the lights to red and set the remote away from her. She reached up to grab it and I pushed her back down, kissing her neck again. "Grab the remote," I threatened, a smirk on my face. "And I'll stop."

She sighed.

"That's what I thought." I slid my hand under her shirt and rested it on her stomach.

"That's what I thought," she mocked, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me down on top of her. That was what I missed the most, I think. I missed being able to just be with her.