Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 24

BILLIE'S P.O.V

"Finneas, no," Claudia said. "I am going to meddle because—no because somebody needs to do it. Yes, I am. No, no, no—I love you. Bye. No—Finneas—bye." Claudia sighed and then walked into my room as if I didn't just hear that. 

"Leave me alone."

"I don't wanna." She sat on my bed.

"Dude." I sighed. "Go away."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing!"

She held her hands out cautiously. "Calm down, killer. Don't attack. What's got you in such a bad mood?"

"Me! I've got myself in a bad mood!"

"Uh... elaborate?"

"I won't shut up. Everything in my head." I tapped the side of my head. "Won't shut up and it's driving me insane."

"Is everything okay?"

"No." I laughed, shaking my head. "Absolutely not."

"What's wrong?"

"What isn't wrong, Claudia? Everything feels wrong, and wrong feelings are too loud—and that doesn't even make sense!"

She shook her head, staring at me confusedly.

"Basically, I want to jump off a damn bridge!" I stood up and grabbed my keys.

"Ohhh, no. Let's... let's just stay here." She quickly shut my bedroom door.

I bit my lip and let out a quiet sob, tears pricking at my eyes. "I don't want to stay here, Claudia. I can't—" I ran my fingers through my hair. "I can't stay here!"

"Here as in here?" She pointed at the ground.

"I don't fucking know! Please, Claudia. Please just let me go."

"No," she replied quietly.

"God." I scoffed angrily. "You just—you just want me to be here suffering, huh?"

"No, I want you to be here alive! You're gonna get through this. It'll start getting better."

"But when, Claudia," I asked, fully expecting her to stay quiet.

"Maybe in a month when Camilla comes back. I don't know. She knows how to deal with this. I don't."

"When Camilla comes back?" I raised my eyebrows.

"She's moving back."

"Really? Are you being serious?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

I knew it was probably stupid of me to get so excited over it because I knew that she didn't miss me as much as I missed her. I wasn't saying it was because she didn't feel the same way about me as I did her, but while she was living her life normally, slowly forgetting about me, I was forced to think about her every single day because of Erika.

-

I sighed as I held the promise ring up to my eye, looking through it at the light. A month.

That was all.

It was just one more month before she was back. And even if she didn't like me the way I liked her, I liked the thought of her being close even though she wouldn't be close to me. And I liked the thought of being able to see her even if she didn't see me the same way. I didn't think that anything that I thought ever made sense to anybody but me but that was okay because it only needed to make sense to me.

But it didn't actually make sense to me.

It was all very confusing. And overwhelming. My thoughts really overwhelmed me. That was why I like to write. Not just songs. I liked writing about how I felt. It really helped a lot. Until I didn't know how I felt so I didn't know what to write.

I looked over at my phone as it started to ring. It was Erika. "Oh no," I mumbled before answering it.

"Really, Billie? You really sent your wack ass ex to my house?"

"Of course not."

There was a loud noise on her end of the call. "Shit! Billie! The police? You sent the police to my fucking house? Why?"

"Your basement was mildly concerning. And illegal. Very much so. It sounds a little busy over there. Have fun."

"You're gonna regret this, Billie," she said quickly. "It doesn't matter what you do! It doesn't matter where you go! It doesn't matter how you feel! She is never ever going to love you like you love her, and that—I hope that hurts more than anything you've ever felt! I hope you cry yourself to sleep every damn night! I hope you know how fucking terrible and ugly you are! I hope you end up wanting to die just like me! I hope you turn out just as fucked up as me, you stupid whore! Because she is never—" I ended the call, not wanting to listen to her anymore.

I didn't need to be reminded of what I was trying to forget.