Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 12

BILLIE'S P.O.V

"Ummm. What the hell is this?" Erika kicked me and then showed me her screen with my messages to Camilla on it.

"Why the fuck do you have my messages connected to your phone?" I took the phone and looked at it.

"Why are you texting this bitch?"

"She's not a bitch."

"She's a whore. She shouldn't be talking to her ex that has a girlfriend."

I didn't like her talking about me but I really, really, didn't like her talking about Camilla. She was an angel. She didn't deserve to be talked about like that. "Where? I don't have a girlfriend."

"Me."

I scoffed. "You sure as hell wish, don't you?"

She smacked me in the face and I immediately responded by punching her in the jaw. I quickly gasped and backed away from her, realizing what I'd done. She was gonna actually kill me.

"You just fucked up. Big time. You really want me to post the pictures, don't you?"

I shook my head.

"Beg for my forgiveness." She crossed her arms.

"I'm sorry. Please—"

"You know how this works." She shoved me off the bed onto the ground. "On your knees."

I readjusted to sit on my knees. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

She smacked me on the top of my head. "Say it like you mean it."

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

She smiled. "Now, was that so hard?"

I shook my head.

"I texted Camilla for you. Told her that you have a girlfriend. And now she's blocked."

I nodded. I was over it.

"Now get in bed and go to sleep, and if I hear you make a single sound, those pictures will be posted."

I climbed into the bed and got under the blanket, facing away from her. I was not gonna go to sleep. I couldn't sleep around her. I never knew what she was gonna do. It made me nervous. The few times I'd slept around her, I woke up to her touching me and I didn't like it. At all.

And I'd feel bad about complaining about it to anyone because what Erika did wasn't that bad. Not compared to what other people went through. I didn't want anybody to tell me that I was complaining about stupid stuff.

It wasn't long before I felt Erika's hand on my inner thigh, way too close to places it shouldn't be. My first instinct was to cross my legs so that she couldn't move it any closer. "One word... one sound... and it's over. Got it?"

I nodded.

"Good." She untied the drawstrings of my sweatpants.

-

I hummed "Idontwannabeyouanymore" as I threw some dirty clothes into a hamper. Erika was gone. She, thankfully, didn't like my family and we were all eating dinner together that night so she left. It would be embarrassing to bring her around them. She was an extremely disrespectful person.

"Billie, come eat dinner," my mom yelled from the kitchen.

I pulled my Beats off and went into the kitchen where Mom, Dad, Finneas, and Claudia were already sitting around the table.

I sat down across from Claudia and picked up my fork, twisting it in my hand. "How's everybody's day been," Finneas asked after a minute, trying to clear up the silence.

I just laughed, shaking my head. My day had been indescribably terrible. They all looked over at me confusedly. "It's been good. I've had a great day actually."

"Well, that's good," Mom said, picking up her fork. That was easy.

"Uh-huh."

-

"Billie," Erika said excitedly. "I got something for you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." She tossed me a bottle of pills.

"What is this?" I picked the bottle up.

"Don't worry about it. They'll make it where you aren't hungry so you can lose some weight."

"Uh." I tilted my head a little. What was wrong with her? "No."

"It wasn't a choice." She laughed. "You want to be better, right? For me?"

I looked up at her and I could tell by the look on her face that it wasn't up for debate. I just nodded. I couldn't listen to her yell at me again, nor could I tolerate her hitting me or choking me again. "Right."

"Good." She opened the bottle and handed me two of the pills. It was rather questionable. I put the pills in my mouth but didn't swallow them. I'd spit them out when she wasn't paying attention. "Wow. That's the first time you've simply followed directions."

I sighed. She looked down at her phone and I took the two pills out of my mouth and dropped them behind my bed. I decided I would clean it up later when she was gone. I couldn't believe she was trying to make me take pills so that I'd stop eating. I knew that I wasn't the skinniest person ever but Camilla always told me that I looked good and healthy. She never minded it and I really didn't either. I didn't think that I just looked terrible. Maybe Camilla was just trying to make me feel better.

I got up and went into the bathroom. I just didn't understand why it really mattered if I was fat or not. My body shape was normal. I wasn't unhealthy and I genuinely didn't think that I was particularly ugly before Erika. I turned to the side. With the clothes I usually wore, it wasn't even obvious. Why was Erika doing that to me?

What was wrong with her?