Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 6

BILLIE'S P.O.V

"Wake up, hoe." Erika shook me and I sat up. I'd been awake. I was just trying to ignore her.

"What? What do you want?"

She took a drink of her milkshake. "Oh my God. Try this. It's so fucking good." She put the straw up to mouth and I grimaced, pulling my head away.

"Bro, stop! I'm vegan and I don't want to put my mouth on anything that your mouth has been on." I wiped my mouth off.

She shrugged and set it down before sitting beside me. "Did you sleep well?"

"Not really," I mumbled, putting my head in my hands.

"Aw." Her hand creeped under my shirt, rubbing me back.

I wiggled away from her. "Can you please stop? You're making me extremely uncomfortable."

"Just trying to help."

"If you want to help, delete the pictures, and leave me alone. Ever think of that?"

"No," she emphasized, "but what I did think of is how to make it much, much worse." She backed me into a wall, her face disgustingly close to mine.

Before I could even comprehend what was going on, her lips were on mine. I quickly pushed her away, only being able to think of Camilla.

She opened her mouth, clearly shocked. "What was that for?"

"I don't want to kiss you. Can you please stop forcing yourself on me?"

"Is this because of Camilla?"

I was quiet for a minute before shaking my head. "No."

"Yes, it is." She grabbed my hand and yanked the promise ring off. "If you don't want those pictures out there, get rid of her."

"What?"

"You only have two options here." She sat on the bed. "Millions and millions of people can see Camilla naked..." She held up a finger. "Or... nobody can. There's no in-between. If you want to be with her, the pictures will be posted. If you just drop the relationship, her dignity can be spared. Just think about it, everybody already knows you're dating her so they know who she is. If that picture goes out, everybody will know who it is. That could ruin her whole future. It'll probably affect who wants to hire her—oh, hell—and if she wants to go to college." She inhaled through her teeth, shaking her head. "It doesn't have to be mean. Tell her that the distance is just too much, okay?"

She was right. It would, first of all, send her even further into her depressed state. Second of all, it would probably affect her future. "Okay," I replied quietly. "Okay."

"Here's your phone." She handed me my phone and I took it. "Call her. Don't text her. That'd be pretty shitty."

I went to my recent calls and took a deep breath before clicking on her name, my hands shaky. After the first ring, she picked up. I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it, not knowing how to start off.

"Hello?"

"Hi," I replied.

She laughed. "Hi," she mocked me in a stupid voice. "Why are you up so early?"

"I, uh..." I cleared my throat.

"Is... is everything okay? Is something wrong?"

I bit my lip. What was I supposed to say?

"Billie," she said, panic clear in her voice. "Billie. You're scaring me. Stop. What's wrong?"

"I just..." I pressed my lips together, tears pricking at my eyes. "We need to break up."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"That wasn't... that wasn't what I was... uh, expecting."

I held my hand over my mouth anxiously. "It's just—I don't think it's gonna work. Not with you being so far."

She didn' say anything.

"We can—we can still be friends," I offered nervously.

"Yeah. Okay. I have to go."

"Okay," I replied defeatedly. The call ended and I dropped my phone, leaning back against the wall and sliding down it. I put my head in my hands. "Can you please just go for a minute?"

"Excuse..." Erika started to raise her voice but then she cut herself off. "Yeah." She walked out and I sighed.

I couldn't believe I really did that.

I broke up with Camilla.

Like, it was over.

I rested my forehead on my knees and let myself cry for a few minutes before regaining my composure. This was for her own good. She was gonna thank me later. She wasn't gonna hate me.

She couldn't hate me for this because it was for her.

Right?