Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 2

BILLIE'S P.O.V

I paced back and forth as I waited for her to get here. Camilla had literally just left. I didn't think it would all have to happen so soon. I was hoping she'd be a little more lenient since we used to be pretty close but I guess not. There was a knock at the door and I jumped, my heartbeat practically audible as I slowly opened the door.

"Wow," Erika said enthusiastically. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Uh... this is my house," I replied, the words coming out as more of a question.

"Whatever." She pranced on into my room. Of course, she already knew where it was even though she'd never been in there. Damn creep. "Do you remember our deal?"

"No," I deadpanned sarcastically. "Of course, I fucking remember. We just talked about it like an hour ago."

"Right, well... your tone lets me know that we definitely need to set some ground rules."

"We do. Rule number one, get out of my room. Rule number two, get out of my house. Rule number three, leave me the hell alone. Rule number four, never talk to me again. Glad we cleared that up." I opened the door to my bedroom, waiting for her to leave.

She grabbed my arm and yanked me towards her. "Do not forget who's in control here! Shut your stupid ass up and listen to me!"

I sighed.

Her chapped lips curled into an evil smile. "Down."

"What?"

"Down on your knees. I want you to apologize and beg for my mercy. I'm the one with the pictures. Not you."

I hesitantly started to lower myself onto the ground.

"On your knees, bitch!" She locked her leg behind my knee and pulled forward, making me fall onto the ground. "When I tell you to do something, you do it. And fast. Now..." She raised her eyebrows. "Apologize."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"Please forgive me..." She cocked an eyebrow, waiting for me to copy her.

"Please forgive me."

"Okay. Stand up, princess."

I wanted throw up. I grabbed the doorknob and pulled myself up.

"So, what are we doing today?"

I shrugged. "I'm honestly pretty tired, so I think I'm just gonna go back to sleep..." I looked up at her. "I-if that's okay."

She slid her shoes off and sat down on my bed. "Me too."

"Oh. Finneas' old bed is all nice and made so you can—you can go in there..."

"I think I'll stay here." She laid back. "Yeah, this is good."

"I guess I'll go then." I opened the door.

"No, you won't. You'll stay. Come here. This doesn't have to be bad. It's whatever you make it."

"Right." I shut the door and sat on the bed.

She grabbed my arms and pulled me down beside her. "See? This is comfortable. It isn't that bad."

This is for Camilla, I reminded myself over and over. I just needed to do it. For Camilla.

-

"Fuck my life. Fuck your life. We should all just go and die. If we dig a hole that's deep enough, we can..." I struggled to think of the next few words to my newest song. "We can die 'cause life's too tough. No, I used the word 'die' too many times."

"Billie, can you please stop?" Finneas drug his hands down his face. "This is—I can't do this right now. Is it okay if we stop for today?"

I sighed and nodded. I could already feel Erika's uncomfortable presence in my room. I didn't really wanna go home. I missed Camilla already. She hadn't even been gone for two days. I just knew that she'd be gone for a while so it was already making me miss her more than usual. I wanted cry. But I wasn't going to.

"Okay. Take care of yourself." He set his hand on my head as he stood up. "I love you."

"Love you too."

I waited to hear the door shut before I pulled out my phone to call Camilla. I tapped my finger on the side of my phone as I waited for her to answer, but she didn't. She must've been busy. With how late she was up last night, sending me weird snaps, she might've still been asleep. Or maybe... I kept forgetting that she was in a different time zone than me. So when it was four or five over here, it was seven or eight over there. She could've already woken up at that time.

I didn't know.

"Mom," I yelled, leaving Finneas' old room.

"What?"

"Hug. Please." I held my arms out as I walked into the living room.

She laughed as she hugged me. "Why?"

"I just love you. Damn. Is that not allowed?"

"You already miss her that much?" She raised her eyebrows.

I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands, tears pricking at my eyes. "Don't you?"

She sighed. "Yeah... my third child. Gone so soon."

I laughed a little at that. I don't know what I would've done without my mom.

I loved Camilla a lot. And I didn't want to. But I did. And there was no denying that at all. It just really sucked.

I did want to love her because I loved her so how would I not want to, but I also didn't want to because that shit sucked, and that shit hurt. How was I supposed to function properly without her? How was I supposed to finish writing an album about self-love when I was too worried about love-love?