Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 14

BILLIE'S P.O.V

"Okay, maybe..." Finneas clicked his tongue, tampering with the audio. "Let's see here." He clicked play on it and then paused it. "All you can hear is the instruments now. Oops. Hey, what's today?" He glanced down at his watch.

"Umm." I turned my phone on and checked the date. "June 22nd."

"Shit. Have you gotten Dad anything for his birthday?"

"I ordered something."

He nodded. "Well, this is probably gonna take a little while so we can just stop here for today."

"Okay." I nodded. I really didn't wanna go home. I knew that Erika was waiting for me to go home so that she could invite herself over. "I mean, I can wait. Are—are you sure?"

"Yeah. It'll be a while and I don't think Claudia's gonna be home for a few more hours."

"Well, I can just sit here and—"

"Billie." Finneas sighed frustratedly. "I just—I need to concentrate."

"Yeah. Of course. Sorry." I stood up.

"It's okay. Be careful. I love you."

"Love you too." I grabbed my phone and went outside, getting in my car.

I rested my forehead on the steering wheel. I didn't know what to do. I needed to do something. I had to get rid of Erika. I needed Camilla back. There were too many memories. Too many feelings. Too many sleepless nights. Too much longing. Too much completely unbearable pain.

Too much love.

But there had also been too much literal blood, sweat, and tears put into that for me to stop protecting her now.

I wouldn't.

I refused.

I was gonna figure it out. I was gonna get both of us out of it without her having to worry about it. I could do it. By myself. I didn't need her help and I didn't want it. She didn't need to worry about that.

I started my car and drove home. I needed to delete the pictures. After about ten minutes, I turned onto my street, dismayed to see Erika's car in the driveway and nobody else's. Damn. What the hell was she doing?

I quickly went inside and to my room.

"What the hell is this?" Erika shined her flashlight behind my bed where I'd been dropping all of the pills she'd been giving me.

"Oh, uh—I just—um..." I scratched my head.

"At least you didn't throw them away." She picked two of them up and hands them to me. "Perfect. Go ahead."

I hesitantly put them in my mouth. How was I so careless?

"Swallow."

I swallowed them.

"Good job. Now, was that so hard?"

I shook my head. Maybe if I could get her to actually like me, I could get her to delete the pictures. I had to start being nice to her. Really nice. I had to start treating her like I actually liked her. Maybe she'd stop being mean if I did that too. I just had to focus on the bigger picture.

How did I get there? Everything flipped upside down so swiftly. It was like I just blinked, and in that tenth of a second that my eyes were closed, my entire world shifted. Camilla was my entire world. And that's crazy. I was so focused on myself, yet I still managed to get lost in her. In her eyes. In her smile. In her presence.

People talk about how great love is, but I'd learned that that was utter bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is exhausting. Pain is relentless. But pain is a feeling, and feelings are meant to be felt, not ignored.

So, there I was, acknowledging my pain because it was there. And it was definitely felt. But pain was temporary. And I intended on that pain being very short-term.

I was gonna end the shit. As fast as I could. All hell was about to break loose and nobody would even notice until it was over.

And I would be here to feel every ounce of pain, anger, sadness, fear—I was going to be there for it all because, in the end, there was still Camilla. I'd do anything for her. I didn't care if she wanted nothing to do with me after it was all over.

I just needed a hug. That's all.

That was all I wanted from her once it was all done. She owed me nothing more. I'd be completely satisfied, knowing that she'd be okay.

I just wanted one hug before she was gone forever because I knew she would be.