Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 8

i really don't know what kind of trigger warning this deserves so you're warning is that Erika is a crazy bitch

BILLIE'S P.O.V

Erika threw her legs over mine and I couldn't help but be reminded of the many, many times me and Camilla sat in the exact same position, in that exact same spot. That was who I wanted it to be so damn bad. I wanted it to be her so bad. It was crazy how many times in that past week I let my mind wander to just running away. Just going to Michigan and telling her everything. I wanted her to hug me and tell me she forgave me. I wanted her to put her small, cute ass hands on my face and kiss me. I missed sleeping partially on top of her every night she was with me. I missed her affection. God, I missed it. And I just had it less than two weeks ago.

Fuck.

I just loved her. I just wanted to tell her that I loved her.

"Billie, are you even listening to me?" Erika raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah."

"Then what did I say?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it, trying desperately to remember what she was saying. I didn't even really notice that she was still talking.

"Stop," she yelled. "Stop thinking about her! She's gone!"

I held my hands over my ears, flinching at her loud voice. She always yelled like that when nobody else was home. It was annoying and quite frankly, scary. I was not used to being yelled at like that. Camilla sure as hell never did it. "I can't!"

She slammed her hand into the wall, making me jump. "I didn't cut you that deal for no damn reason! I said that I'd stop posting the pictures as long as we could be together after Camilla moved! What don't you understand? Are you stupid?"

I didn't answer. I just stared at her.

"Are you stupid," she reiterated aggressively, hitting me in the forehead.

I quickly shook my head.

"Well then act like it!"

"Sorry."

"You are?"

I nodded.

"Then show me just how sorry you are." She smirked.

My eyes widened at that. "I am. I'm sorry."

She set her hand on my thigh and kissed me.

I pushed her away from me and wiped my mouth off, my eyes glossing over. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I just can't. I really can't right now."

"You're being an idiot!"

I shook my head, sliding my hands into my hair and pulling on it. "No. I can't. I miss her. I—"

She smacked me in the side of my head. "Are you sure you want to finish that sentence? I will not hesitate to post these pictures."

"Right." I sighed. "I'm sorry."

She straddled me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "So, we're done with Camilla?"

I looked down and nodded. "Yes."

"Perfect." She put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me. "Can I stay the night?"

"Uh..." Oh, God. Please, no. "Well, um... I'm pretty tired."

She raised her eyebrows at me. "Well, then we can go to sleep."

"Of course," I replied defeatedly.

"Great." She laid down in my spot and got under the covers, patting the bed beside her. I hesitantly laid down beside her. I needed to go back. I really needed to go back to Michigan. I missed her so fucking much and I didn't know how much more of kissing Erika I could do, but I knew she was gonna post the pictures if I went.

She set her hand on my inner-thigh and I crossed my legs tightly, pulling her hand away. "Please stop."

She laughed, putting it back. "You like it."

I shook my head, grabbing her wrist. "I really don't."

She hovered over me, pressing her forearm to my neck and my eyes widen as I grabbed her arm. Oh, no. The bitch was about to fucking choke me out. "What are you doing?"

"Camilla did the same things and you didn't look like you were scared for your life." She pulled her arm away.

"Camilla didn't scare me like you do. She didn't threaten me seriously. She never actually hit me or anything."

"Well, Camilla's just the shit then, isn't she?"

I nodded. "Yeah, she really fucking is."

She wrapped her hand around my throat and choked me, this time obviously meaning to hurt me. "You're gonna have to get over her because it's either you can like me back, or you can simply comply."

I furrowed my eyebrows confusedly. What was that supposed to mean? I opened my mouth to try and ask but she pushed down harder. I winced and grab her hand, trying to pull it off.

"You're an idiot. You can either like me back." She raised her eyebrows, looking at me like I was stupid. "Or you can do what I tell you too. If I want you to kiss me, you're gonna kiss me. If I want you to compliment me, you're gonna compliment me. If I wanna hit you, I'm gonna hit you and you're not gonna complain or tell a single soul. And if I want to fuck, we're gonna fuck, got it?"

I tried to pull her hands off my neck again, a blurry black framing my vision as I tried to force air into my lungs.

"Got it?" she reiterated questioningly.

-

"You're a damn idiot." Erika rolled her eyes. "All you had to do was say that you understood. Then, you wouldn't have passed out—you know what? I want you to go look at your stupid self in the mirror." She pointed to the mirror on my wall. "Go look. You look dumb. And ugly. Look at your nose. Look what you did to your neck."

I stood up and looked in the mirror. My nose was bleeding. There were several small scratches on my face and neck from trying to claw her hands off of me. There were faint, dark circles around my eyes as well, but I that was from my lack of proper sleep. I did look terrible. Taking care of myself was hard when all I wanted do was sit in my room and cry. I hadn't told anybody in my family that I broke up with Camilla.

They would've flipped the fuck out. They'd kill me. The last thing I needed was somebody else against me. Especially Finneas. I couldn't have Finneas mad at me. I really needed him.

"Oh, hell. Stop crying. You're fine."

"I'm not." I brought my hand up and wiped my face off.

"God, you're so fucking dumb. I can't stand you."

That made two of us.

How could she expect me to just stop thinking about Camilla? I couldn't. It didn't work like that. She was everything. She was my whole world.

How was I supposed to force myself to stop loving her?