Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 16

BILLIE'S P.O.V

I filled my cup up with water and leaned against the counter. A phone dinged to my right and I looked over at it. It was my mom's phone and she, for whatever reason, had a text from Camilla. It just said "yeah."

"Is my phone in here?" Mom walked into the kitchen. I nodded and handed it to her, deciding not to ask about the text.

"I'm going back to my room." I pushed myself off of the counter and went into my room where Erika was laying on the bed. Things have gotten a little better. I haven't gotten rid of the pictures yet but I did find out that they weren't on her phone which made everything so much harder. She wasn't as mean since I started being nice to her. She didn't hit me as much.

That was good.

I sat down on the bed. I just had to keep reminding myself that it would all be better once Camilla was back.

What if she didn't want me back?

Holy shit.

In all this time that I'd been doing all of this for her, I never considered the fact that she was probably way past me.

It'd been so long. There was no way she still thought about me. I was so distracted with everything that I completely forgot that while I was doing that to protect her, she was moving on.

My eyes glossed over but I quickly blinked my tears away before Erika noticed. She genuinely believed that I was in it for the relationship at that point. It was time to stir some shit up. I huffed, leaning back and crossing my arms.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm just—I'm a little offended, you know?"

She laughed. "About what?"

"I don't understand why you still feel the need to hang some damn pictures over my head. I'm trying to have a real relationship. You have to get over your fucking trust issues. How am I supposed to trust you when you don't trust me... for literally no reason. You have no reason to not trust me anymore."

She opened her mouth and then closed it.

"So, why are you keeping them? Is our relationship meaningless to you? You don't even actually care about me, do you?"

She grabbed my arm. "Of course, I do. I just..."

"You just what?"

She stayed quiet.

"Yeah, I don't think this is gonna work, Erika. We're never gonna have a normal relationship because you won't let this go."

Her eyebrows knitted together. "Is this really bothering you?"

"Yes," I replied frustratedly. "Of course, it does. You need to trust me."

"Okay." She nodded. "I'll get rid of them, okay?"

I nodded and kissed her. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She laid her head on my shoulder.

Stupid ass bitch. Why the hell would I ever forgive her for that? I wouldn't.

As soon as she deleted the pictures, it was over. I was so over the blackmailing shit.

-

"Please tell me you're kidding. There are literally two weeks until Christmas and you haven't gotten anything?"

Finneas ran his hands through his hair. "I've been busy."

"Why does Claudia let you do this? Also, is she making some of that Puppy Chow stuff because that shit's fire?"

"I think so."

"Hell, yeah. Okay."

"Are you hungry?" he asked. "I'm really hungry."

"Yeah."

Erika gave up on the pills not too long ago. It had gotten to a point where my depression mixed with the pills made me not eat at all, so I was really lightheaded all the time and then one day I passed out. I did lose a lot of weight but I was gaining it back and I tried not to worry about it. I lost a very unhealthy amount of weight in a very unhealthy way.

I finally felt like I was in control of the situation. I felt like I was the one with her wrapped around my finger for once.

But she could be doing the same as me.

That's why I couldn't let the act falter until the pictures were surely gone. I knew it all seemed a little pathetic. It all seemed a little extra. It all seemed a little too peculiar.

But it was for Camilla.

And that was why it was so important. I didn't care who thought that I should've given up on it a while ago.

There was no time to regret or feel repentant about the situation. No matter what I should've done, it was too late. I was there and I was in too deep to give up.

It could only end one way.

My way.