Tear Myself Apart // Billie Eilish

Chapter 18

BILLIE'S P.O.V

"Camilla?"

She tugged on her sleeves and her shoulders tensed up a little. She was obviously nervous.

"What are you doing?"

"Well—uh... your mom wanted me to come back for Christmas so... so I did. And—and I wasn't going to really talk to you because you've been ignoring me and I don't necessarily know why but... I just... well, I want to know why."

I bit my lip, trying to come up with an excuse that didn't involve me talking about Erika. "I don't know."

She laughed quietly, looking down. "Really? I get left on delivered for six months and your explanation is that you don't know? No. It's—it's fine." She drug her hands down her face. "What the hell am I doing? Why am I—I have to go." She turned around and I watched as she walked outside.

I could feel my heart beating uncontrollably and I hated it. And I hated hurting her. And I hated making her sad. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I'd been thinking about her constantly every day for over half a year without seeing her. I was not letting her get away this time. I quickly ran out of the door to see her standing on the front porch as she wiped her eyes.

Did I make her cry?

I didn't mean to make her cry.

I wrapped my arms around her and laid my head on her shoulder. I missed her so much. I never thought that I could miss somebody so much that it physically hurt, but I did and now that she was there, I wanted to cry. Because she was there but she wasn't mine anymore.

I tried to swallow the burning lump in my throat but it was pointless. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't want to try not to cry.

She turned around and hid her face in my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist. I kissed her head on instinct and then quickly drew my head back, causing her breath to hitch.

Oh, no.

"Sorry," I said quietly.

She tightened her arms around me, a quiet sob escaping her mouth, and I could've sworn my heart stopped at the sound.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

She shook her head. "I just missed you."

"Can we go to my room and talk?"

She nodded and I hesitantly let go of her before going to my room. I shut the door once she came in and sat on the bed.

"What's this?" She picked up the bottle of pills that I was taking for a while. "What the hell?" She picked up my hospital wristband. "When were you at the hospital?"

"Just—I, you know—I just..." I ran my fingers through my hair and snatched the wristband from her. "Everybody has to go to the hospital every—every once in a while."

"No, they don't. You only go to the hospital when something serious happens, so what happened?"

"It's... I don't have to tell you! It's none of your business! Why are you here? We broke up months ago!"

"You're such a bitch, Billie! Why the hell do you think I'm here? Why would I come back after you broke up with me? Why would I still be wearing this stupid damn ring?" She yanked the ring off of her finger and held it against my chest. "Keep it. And when you're laying in your bed, desperately, hopelessly wishing that you just had somebody—literally fucking anybody—like I was every night a few months ago, pick up your stupid phone and unblock me." She removed her hand and I quickly caught the ring. "But I'm going home because at least there are people that—that may not even want me—but they're not so damn painfully obvious about it." She walked out of my room and slammed the door behind her.

I leaned my back against the wall and slid down to the floor, putting my head in my hands.

I just wished I wasn't breathing.