Skinny Love (DreamNotFound)

1

TW's:
-Eating disorder
-Self hate (negative/suicidal thoughts)

It was morning, I woke up with an awful feeling. This day would be the same as every single day in my life. Full of panic, full of disgust and self hate, full of anxiety. It would never be a good day, maybe it seemed like I was fine, but I wasn't. I totally wasn't. I tried helping others as much as possible, but at the same time- I was dying inside. I stepped out of my bed, everyone always said: 'wow, what a strength you have, coming out of bed.'

Sure, strength. I was forced to get out of bed and I was scared for an argument. I walked to the bathroom, the moment that decided my day would go. I made sure I had no extra weight on me and I weighted myself. I lost 300 grams. I was happy, at least I didn't gain as much, but I was still disappointed. It was only 300 gram. If I would have worked out a little more and ate less, I would have lost more.

I looked in the mirror. I was disgusted by myself, all this fat. My stomach, my hips, my legs, and even my arms were fat. I quickly did 100 squats and dressed up. I walked downstairs and sat down in my chair. I always sat in the same chair, it made me feel safe. I greeted my mum and dad. My mum made me breakfast. When they didn't look, I quickly wiped the butter off and ate it. I left as much as possible for them not to notice. I felt down, I left too less. I drank a few sips of water and went to sit down behind my PC. I shook my legs heavily to burn more calories. The thought constantly kept fighting in my head.

You don't have to move

Of course you have to, you're fat. You need to lose weight, you're ugly and fat. No one wants to look at you like this

I sighed, I believed the negative voice. I always believed it. It was my friend, but at the same time my biggest enemy. It gave me the control I needed, but I destroyed everything around me. I was always cold and tired. I had no energy, I was always depressed, anxious and miserable. I was used to it. Having energy was rare for me. I started up Minecraft and started playing. I was too tired to really focus, but I still tried to whilst moving my legs heavily.

Many thoughts went through my head. I wanted to call with someone, but I was scared. Calling had never been my thing, but unfortunately all my friends were online. I had to call with them if I wanted to keep in contact. My social anxiety got worse everyday and my head made me constantly worry about being too fat. I was only allowed to wear black, that made me feel less fat. I wore black trousers, a black shirt. Everything had to be black. Not too tight, because that showed my fat. I got a little bored of Minecraft and still decided to give George a call. He directly accepted the call.

'Hey, Dream.'

'Hey.'

'What's up?'

'Nothing much, I think I'm going for a run later.'

'Again?'

'Yeah, I like it.'

I hated it actually, but my head told me to do so, so I did.

'Fine, weirdo. Down to play Minecraft? We can record?'

I nodded. 'Sure.'

Recording session were so intens, I burned calories with that.

'Dream?'

'Yeah?'

'Is something off? You sound so tired since a few weeks, you're not completely with your head on earth.'

'Don't worry, it's nothing. My sleep schedule is just messed up, I'm only a little tired.'

'Sure? You know you can talk with me right?'

'Yeah.' I chuckled fake. 'Of course.'

Sure, I could talk to him, but I knew what was going to happen. He would just force me to eat, stop exercising. Everyone appeared to be the same in that. I couldn't blame them, my behaviour was weird. Throwing food away, purging after some kinds of foods. It was difficult to understand. It was difficult for me too, I sometimes also didn't know what I was doing, but I had too. I had to lose weight and as fast as possible. People would like me better if I was thinner. I got bullied a lot in the past, people basically body shamed me.

Saying stuff like: 'he is so thick.' Some people accepted and liked that kind of comments, but I didn't. I actually in fact hated them, they made me feel worthless and fat. I didn't want to be normal or whatever, I wanted to be thin and beautiful. That was everything I wanted. Apparently I even sucked at that, since I was still extremely fat. I failed in everything, I felt so extremely worthless.

820 words

It's difficult sometimes writing about this, since it's just based on myself, but I still decided to do it. It helps me to express what I feel.