LOVING FROM AFAR...

CHAPTER 39 : THE PAST

GABRIEL POV

How many times that I blinked my eyes assuring myself that I'm just dreaming, that what I'm seeing in front of me are all hallucinations. But every time it takes me to open I saw her face more clearly and closer to me. Her very familiar smile and her innocence feature even though its been change a bit by the country where she came from.

When was the last I saw her?

I asked myself staring at her. Yes. Two years ago where she pushed me away and choose that white man over me. That memory that my mind couldn't forget. I blinked again and in just a glimpsed she's already in front of me smiling merrily. It's not possible. Its not happening. How come she's here? How did she got here?

I wished I could pushed her away. I wished I could tell her I want her gone in my sight but I couldn't. O don't know why but I just couldn't. Heart beat fast refreshing all the feelings I had feel for her but I strived hard to breath normally staring directly to her eyes.

"Good morning.. look! I made you breakfast.."

She said in her most jolly way with the same softness and coldness of her voice.

"Ash...."

I breath.

"how..why?"

I asked almost mumbling.

"Shhh..we will talk later after we finished all of this..Cmon!"

and without deserving reason I found myself following her as she grabbed my arm dragging towards the dining table. Toasted bread, bacon,egg, yogurt and green apple. These familiar food we used to ate every time she would invited me to their house. She was putting the food on my plate and for such a long time I saw her sweet smile again. It lightens my heart in a very clear way.

It's a different Ashley from the last time I saw her. Those time where she choose to let me go. The pain was still on my heart, I guess. She was more alive now and no doubt she is happy.

She smiled to me again and in an instance I picked up my utensils and started to eat. My mind not responding at all. What was happening is like a dream but I know it's not. We both ate silently and after that she gathered all the used dishes and cleaned it. She the stood there and smile at me. For the first time since I woke up I saw Catherine face doing the same thing. My mind panicked and I begin to hate myself.

How can I be so stupid. How can I not stop my emotions? How we end up eating on my house and acting like everything about us is all fine. I even sleep with her? Goddamit! How can I be such so bullshit!

"How did you get her?"

I asked her.

"Our heart will always find its way yo each other right?"

She answered reminding me that time where she got lost on our trip to Japan and found ourselves wishing on that wishing well. That time where I said those words to her. My breath became harsh remembering that moment I held her in my arms crying.

"Ash..you should go.."

My voice was sterned to let her know I meant it. She moved a steps closer to me.

"Carl.."

the voice chilled my nerves.

"Im sorry...Im so sorry.."

and her tears rolling on her face. For the first time I saw her crying in regret the cry I never ever expected to see. For all honesty I really wanted to touch her and hold her close to me but more part of me hesitating.

"Im sorry I hurt you.. Im sorry I left . I'm sorry I let you think that I choose someone else. I'm sorry I made a big mistake. I know no words will be enough but I'm just so sorry.. please forgive me.."

Her body was trembling like anytime she will going to got down on her knees.

How many years I waited for her to said that words,to heard it from her mouth. How many years I keep myself awakes at night hoping her name will appeared on my screen. How many years I questioned myself why and what is wrong with me. How many years I bear those pain and even mostly killed myself on frustration. Now she was saying it in front me but it feels like it's not like that anymore . It is too late, I guess .

"I already forgave you. I forgave you the time I found myself happy again.. Those past nightmares hunts me for like more than a year but now I moved on and Im happy. You should too Ash..past will always be in our heart but not in our future."

I stated those words leaving her speechless for a moment. Then her throat move like she was swallowing. She look at me smiling again.

"I love you Carl..I always did and I never stop... I know you still so too. Let's forgive each other and be together again..We can do that right?.."

I sigh registering her words to my mind. I closed my eyes feeling her presence so close to me but Catherine face appeared again on my mind and even her scent lingered on my nostril.

"Ash it's impossible now..I have a girlfriend and I love her so much.."

"No! I know you love me..You always do as what you promised me.Listen to me Car..leave that girl!"

Her voice was almost shouting and from that moment I know I moved on and I'm completely over with her.

"Were done talking. You can leave now."

I told her as reach for the door and opened it for her. She stare at me for a moment then grabbed her bag and walk towards the door.

"If you're not going to leave her then maybe she will.."

she said and finally gone. Her voice echoing on my mind. I couldn't stop myself thinking that after Kath will know about this maybe she will. Thinking it bringing some death to my mind. No! She won't I know she won't.

I feel relieved. Those doubts I have for how many days are all gone. The past were always be there. It will be on my heart forever, it will stay there but it is called past so it means it belongs there to be keep. Not to hide it but to make it a back track to for the present. It will always be special but it doesn't mean the feeling is still the same. The memories remains but all the feeling around it will became a lessons to make today a better way for the future. Yes, I care for her and I miss her but I love Catherine more than anything else.

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