𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙨𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙚

♦︎27♦︎

(⚠️Warning⚠️ This chapter reflects on self harm so please be cautious if you decide you read on. But if you or someone you know is dealing with something like this then please reach out and get the help you or someone else needs.)

Terrified. Cold. Depressed. Traumatized. Weak. That's what I was feeling. Everything just went downhill. I was living a good life until...Deku went missing. I had a reason to live back then but now...he's playing with my life and my mind. It's all a twisted joke to him. Every time I sleep, all I hear are screams in my head. Every time I close my eyes, all I see are flashes of the bodies of innocent people that had met with a terrible fate...and I couldn't do anything about it. Every time Deku is around me...I only end up suffering in the end. I'm suffering right now. There was no one who could save me, there was no one who could defend me, I was on my own. I couldn't help those poor women. I couldn't save anyone...I was worthless. I don't even know what I am to Deku anymore. But if I'm gonna be someone else's toy and be put through hell...then I might as well end it.

I looked at the knife that laid on the floor. The more I stared at it, the more I felt a strong and strange urge. I reached for the knife and I grasped it tightly in my hand. Was I really about to do this? I shook my head and I lowered the knife to my thigh. I stopped as I felt the tip touch my skin. I hesitated for a moment.

"Do it...do it...do it." A voice chanted in my head. I already knew who was encouraging me to do it. I couldn't take this. I put pressure on the knife, allowing it to pierce through my flesh. Blood slowly seeped out, I slowly smiled. Hopefully...I'll feel something. I dragged the knife across, not regretting a single second of it. I didn't hiss in pain, tears didn't fall, I felt nothing. As the knife was cutting to the other side of my thigh. I made another and another and another...I needed to escape from this. Once the cuts were close to my knee I stopped and stared. Long, big, and deep cuts were on display, blood dripping down the side of my thigh, still felt nothing. I looked at my other thigh and I dragged the knife once more. I don't care...there's no point...why would I be used just to show someone else pride and capability? Why would I want to sit and watch innocent lives be taken right in front of my eyes? Why would I stay with an insane murderer? Why would I....continue to love him?

Cut after cut and I finished with my other thigh. I lifted up my gown and I proceeded the same action on my stomach. Would Deku still love me even if my body is scarred? Would he see me as...ugly...and want to let me go? Fuck it. Fuck it all. Who cares if my body is not beautiful. It wouldn't matter to anyone. The cold tip of the knife pierced my stomach, allowing blood to drip. It didn't matter how many scars I had. It...doesn't...matter. As I finished with my stomach I laid on my back and I stared at the ceiling, still holding the knife in hand. Let this end...let all of this end. I just wanted to leave...was that too much to ask? I felt all the energy in my body fade, that fire in me was dying down. Death wrapped itself around my neck like a tight noose. Why was I feeling this?

My eyes landed on the window, that was so close yet so far. Light shined through, making the room have a source light. I sat up and I crawled. That light...was my window to something new. As I laid underneath the sun I was at ease. That light felt warm, something I haven't felt in a while. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes. Taking my last breath.