Worth it |Mattia Polibio

Part 19

Jordon pov

" no Mattia today?" Dad asked me, " I thought he'd come after school?"

" he's grounded for some reason," his mom found out that he snuck out. I don't know how exactly but I guess he isn't as stealthy as he thought. He told her he went to Kai's and luckily when she phoned kai he confirmed it.

I'll have to thank him later on.

" so he won't be around for the next few days?" Dad asked.

" you don't need to look so happy about it," I said rolling my eyes at him. I felt my stomach bubble a little and I groaned. I quickly ran to the bathroom and I vomited in the toilet again.

I hated this. It was so draining and tiring.

Dad came upstairs and sighed, " you should probably eat a little. You didn't even eat breakfast this morning,"

" what's the point, I'll probably throw it up anyway?" I asked him shrugging.

" you need to keep your energy up. I'll make you a sandwich and you have to eat all of it Jordon," he said seriously.

I nodded and rinsed my mouth for like the third time today. I heard the home phone ring and I saw dad walk over to it.

I stood on the last step of the staircase and leaned on the banister.

I don't know if I was reading his expression properly but he looked kinda sad and worried. He opened his mouth to say something to whoever was on the phone but nothing came out. He listened for a little longer and finally said," yes, I understand." He put the phone down after a while and turned to look at me.

He looked at me pityingly and I realised what was going on. I shook my head, " no,"

He sighed and rubbed his face, " look, we'll get through-"

" no," I said shaking my head, I refused to believe it, " I....It can't be back."

He moved closer to me, " Jordon I'm sorry but the doctors said it has,"

I sat down on the staircase with my head in my hands. The last three years when I first had it was hell, I can't even imagine how difficult it's going to be going through all that again.

****

It's been a few days and like every morning this past week I've felt nauseous.

I ran to the bathroom and knocked on the door violently because dad was in there. He opened the door and I pushed him out of the way so I could throw up in the toilet. I started retching and coughing a little and I felt my dad rub my back.

It felt even more excruciating every single day and it felt like my body was trying to turn itself inside out. I noticed that my vomit had blood inside it this time and I could taste it inside my mouth. I rinsed my mouth and I sat back on the floor running my hands through my hair.

" I can't do this anymore dad," I told him and a few tears left my eyes, " I can't do this all over again."

It's exactly liked before. The vomiting, the coughing, always feeling dizzy and feeling like my insides are dying.

He sat opposite me and listened to what I was saying.

" I don't have the energy to go through this all over again," I looked over at him and wiped my eyes, " why is whenever I'm actually happy with my life something bad always comes after to ruin it? What, did I do something bad to deserve this?"

Dad shook his head, " don't say that Jordon,"

" but that's how I feel dad. I feel like I'm being punished for something because nothing good lasts in my life," I sounded defeated and tired and I rested my head back on the wall.

" it's not your fault Jordon, non of this is. It's natural, it just..." he sighed and looked down at the floor, " it just happens sometimes." He stood up and I did too, " we should go to the doctors, they're expecting you soon anyway to talk about your treatment,"

I nodded and headed to my room to change my clothes. Half an hour later we left the house and headed for the doctors. We waited a while in one of the waiting rooms and then we got called in.

The doctor explained to dad what was going on and how my treatment was going to start again. I aired him out because it's not like he was saying something new. I already knew what was going to happen.

It wasn't long before I was called in for physical exam which was around two hours long. I was moved to another waiting room that a few other people were waiting in as well.

Dad was sat beside me waiting for the doctor to show up, whilst I looked around the room. I wasn't surprised to see that nothing had changed in it. It had the same dull beige walls, and brown leather seats that had small scratches and tears on it.

My phone started buzzing and my dad and I looked over at it. It was Mattia.

" I know you're tired of me saying it Jordon but I really think it's time to tell him," dad said.

I looked at the phone a little longer and felt nervous just thinking about telling all this to him, " I'll think about it," I answered.

" but-" I looked over at him and he went quiet and nodded understandingly.

My doctor came in a few minutes later and called us into another room. I sat on the bed and he sat opposite me in his chair.

" so as you know you'll be starting your therapy sessions soon. It'll be different to last time because it's more severe now. So instead of coming here once every week like before you're going to stay for the whole week and take a break the next. The treatment will be intravenous, and you'll be taking larger doses than before,"

I nodded understanding but I couldn't believe I had to stay a whole week. And I had to do this until they started seeing progress which could take months.

Even after going through all this before I was scared. I was scared because he said it was more severe than last time and it's crazy because I was lucky enough to survive last time.

Lung cancer really is no joke.

After a while dad drove us home and I was too tired and unbothered to make conversation with him. I knew this whole thing was going to take a toll on him too, he was struggling the first time round as well and I can only imagine how he'll be this time round.

" you should rest Jordon," dad said as soon as we got into the house, " you need it. Go on," he said, " I'll help you pack a few things later on," he told me.

I thought we were going to talk about this first and figure out how we were going to handle and sort out everything but I guess this was all still a little overwhelming for him. I nodded and headed upstairs to my room, I looked at a few things that I thought I could take with me tomorrow for my first chemo session.

I picked up my photo album book and skimmed through a few pages. I landed on a few pictures of Mattia and I just burst into tears when I saw them.

I sat back on my bed and silently cried my heart out because I really hated my life now. I managed to find someone as sweet as Mattia and now all this happened, and it's going to ruin what I have with him.

The memory of him laying down on this bed beside me filled my head and I couldn't help but remember him say how he hoped this last forever. How he hoped that we last forever.

And I felt so amazing hearing that but then life hit me and I realised I couldn't do that, I couldn't promise him forever. How can I went I'm not even sure if I'll last that long?

I wiped my eyes and looked over at my phone, I had about 9 missed calls from him. I knew he was probably worried about me but I wasn't going to make it worse by telling him about this, and I'm not going to make him stay and waste time on something that wasn't guaranteed forever because he deserves so much more than that.

Mattia deserves the world, and it kills me to say this but I'm not the one that can give it to him.

****

Bruh I was so tired this morning, I nearly put hand wash on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste and I started laughing at myself because I literally find everything funny when I'm tired. Now my family thinks I'm crazy🙂