Time to take a ✨oneshot✨

I can't handle it

A/N: established au, tw: anxiety attack (basing it off of personal experiences everyone's different) also intrusive thoughts

They were in the kitchen, sharing a meal Groff had made. Lin had barely touched his food, not to mention he'd barely said anything in the past ten minutes- normally he would never shut up.

He let out a heavy sigh, followed by three short ones, eyes pointed down at his plate. Jon placed a hand over Lin's lifting his chin up with the other as a form of comfort. He was terrified that his baby might be mad at him but when he looked into his eyes he saw that wasn't so.

Lin had completely checked out, eyes glazed over, his lazy eye more prominent than usual. He sighed a couple more times and his lips pursed together.

"Groffsauce," he panted, "I think it's happening again." He couldn't talk without the ribbons of utter panic and exhaustion lacing his voice. The sighs became more frequent and it got to a point when Jonathan feared he might hyperventilate and pass out.

"Oh, baby come here, let's go lie down," he took his hands, leading Lin to the couch. Lin stood up and followed but couldn't help the dizzying feeling he got that came with the intense blood rush.

"W-Wait, one second, I think- I might," he steadied himself, grasping the table, "okay, I'm good." Jon tightened his hold on the man, walking him over, placing his shaking body on the cushions. After bending down to pet his hair a couple times and check his forehead for a fever- because you never know- he joined Lin, holding him tight in his arms. He remembered Lin telling him he liked pressure when he got like this.

"How are you feeling now?" By now, Lin was nearly heaving and Jonathan wanted to cry.

"I-I can't- why," he panted, "why can't I breathe." Lin was on the verge of whimpers and sobs and all Groff could do was squeeze tighter.

"Does this help at all?"

"Um- a little bit, thank you." More sighs left his lips and Groff kissed his forehead lightly.

"Anything else I should worry about?"

"M-My throat, I can't-," sigh, "I feel like I'm choking but- there's nothing there." He was whining now and Jon didn't blame him.

They laid there for what had to be at least an hour, maybe two as Lin's breathing continued at an inconsistent pace. All Jonathan could think to do was hum lullabies, softly in his ear and rub circles in his back. Eventually he decided to speak up.

"Did something happen to trigger this?" he queried. Lin whimpered again.

"That's the thing, literally nothing happened I don't- fuck I'm so sorry this happened."

"Shh don't be sorry," Groff cooed, running a hand through his hair.

"Why shouldn't I be? I ruin everything...." more tears rolled down his cheeks and he was panting again, "I mean, think about it- I ruined dinner, a meal you made, god I should be more grateful, I should've just eaten it...."

"Hey, you ruined nothing, we can save that for later, okay?"

"Last time we went on a date it ended in me- in me- um...." his breathing grew quicker, "god, why does my chest hurt so much," he cried.

"Here, baby, shh, try lifting your chest as you breathe okay?" He did as told but the fear in his eyes only grew.

"Why isn't it fucking working!" he sobbed.

"Shh, just try to focus on something okay?"

"But anytime I," sigh, "do that my throat closes up I can't," another sigh, "please just- just hold me tighter, it's helping."

"Okay, darling," he murmured into his hair.

No matter what Groff said, Lin still blamed himself for this-

POV Lin

God, how could I be so selfish! He probably feels terrible right now. Lin Manuel why can't you ever focus on somebody other than yourself?!

Do you understand how poorly he's gonna think of you after this? He's probably gonna leave you- NO stop thinking like that. But it's probably true....

I'm such a burden, I'm too much to handle.

Maybe I should just leave him- WHAT?! No STOP. Why would you? Because he's literally breaking up with you after today so why not do it first.

Is he though? Yes of course he is why do you think someone would ever go through this for you?! You're not worth it. You're not worth anything.

Maybe I should just-

NO.

POV Groff

Lin keeps tensing and untensing in my arms.... his breathing has gotten much better over the past thirty minutes but I have a bad feeling.

Man, I hate seeing him like this, so much but no matter how intense it gets- I could never bear to leave his side because of it. I'm what's best for him and he's what's best for me. That's how it's always been.

"Hey, buddy, how you holding up now?" I asked.

"Please," he stammered, "please just cut the crap already."

"The- the what," I replied, dumbfounded, lifting my head off his to look into his eyes. They showed signs of resignation and I feared the worst.

"Don't baby me- after this I know you're just gonna leave- I know I'm too broken for you and I don't want you to have the burden of fixing me just- please just get it over with now." I'm sorry?

"Woah, woah, baby nono, I would never leave you! And sure, I hate seeing you hurt but Lin..... I can't fix you," Lin lowered his head in defeat, "because there's nothing broken about you, do you understand?"

"W-What?"

"I said there's nothing broken about you. You don't have to hold yourself to such high standards all the time, if anything- it makes you more human." Okay, now the tears were flowing freely out of both of them.

They stayed there the rest of the night and suddenly, Lin's breathing slowed to a more consistent rate and they both sighed in relief. Lin nuzzled into his chest. He was always giddy right after they ended.

"Can I have a kissy?" Lin pleaded, giggling like a madman.

"Of course you can Linster." Their lips met in a promise of the chaotic love they both endured. Lin yawned. "Alright, time for bed, little one," he snickered.

"Mmm m'not that little you fucking giraffe," he teased. All Jonathan could do was snort and carry him to bed.

"I love you so much, baby. Please remember that," he cooed as Lin relaxed into the mattress, eyes shutting.

"I love you too."

As soon as he knew he was asleep, Jon walked back into the kitchen to put their leftovers in the fridge. Thankfully, they didn't have an ant problem.