Chasing Stars ✔️

39.

"Your heart was nowhere to be found, like stars during the day" – Pierre Jeanty

She

It was the way he waved when I took a last glance at the car. That short, meaningless gesture with his hand, something you would offer to an acquaintance or a neighbor, made me realize our conversation was a goodbye.

I avoided confrontation for months, anticipating the outcome. I wanted to dodge the suffering and the tears, but as I walked into the deserted house, straight into my room, the tears were dry and a daunting feeling of emptiness replaced the pain. It was scary how I could feel it even on a physical level, deeper than ever before, more present than in my dark dreams.

Maybe it was an instinct, the need to feel something that made me chose that moment to confront the other thing I had been avoiding. Sitting on my bed, I crossed my legs and grabbed my grandmother's diary, hidden at the bottom of the pile of books resting on my nightstand.

I searched for the right page, my hands as steady as my decision.

Dear Alexandra,

The words were as intimidating as the last time, except they didn't send my heart to a racing pace.

I skipped the mention of the birthday we spent together, and grandma's confession of being sick.

I inflated my lungs with invisible courage and let the words fill my empty soul.

I don't know when you will read this; or if you ever will. I honestly hope you do, even if it hurts my soul to know that it will, at the very least, taint your memories about that grandma that drank tea with you and taught you how to bake cookies.

Let me start from the beginning.

You never met your grandfather, as he passed before you were born, and I suspect your mother doesn't talk much about him. Arthur was a good man. Polite, responsible, respectful. Those were the words my father used to refer to him. I never asked Arthur how his family presented him with the idea of our marriage, but they all agreed we would be a good match, and so we got married.

Perhaps this will come as a surprise to you. This type of marriage seems something out of an old movie or book. Well, darling, I am old, but I think that this has nothing to do with an era or tradition. I believe that even you, or your children someday, could look around and find out that many relationships came to an end before the love is gone, and others start without love having anything to do with it at all.

Something finally steered in my stomach. I paused for a second, nodding, even if no one could see me. "I know grandma, I know," I whispered to my empty room.

Arthur and I did the best we could. I was content because my existence seemed like was happening how it was supposed to be. We were excited when your mother came along; it was another natural step in the course of our perfectly organized life.

The second thing that will probably shock you is to know that I never questioned if I was happy. It didn't seem necessary. Only many, many years later, it occurred to me I was setting an example to my daughter. I taught her to settle; I think. Three people living in the same house are not the same as a family. I could have told her that, but what good would it do if I wasn't showing it? I'm not proud of it... But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was, at that time, a perfectly content mother and wife. When Victoria turned 12, she begged us to let her go on vacation with her friend Lottie. She was a sweet girl, daughter of Arthur's coworker, and our families got along well. They were so excited that we allowed her to go.