You're a Mind Fuck, Babe

Chapter 57: Call Me A Safe Bet, I'm Betting I'm Not

Gerard's eyes are staring at me for answers but no words dare escape my lips.

"I-uh, I mean-" I start but I'm cut off by the door swinging open and revealing a frightened Ryan standing in the hollow frame.

"Oh. I didn't know I would be interrupting something... I'll just go," he stammers, turning away and pulling his jacket tighter around him as he goes.

"Wait!" I shout after him, however it doesn't stop him at all. My legs catch up to my mind and I push myself out of the room and race down the stairs after the fragile boy. I'm chasing the safe bet while the one who wants me is awaiting an answer from me and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. I mean, of course I fucking love him but he also fucking terrifies me.

"Ryan! Wait," I call out, my voice cracking and the air being evacuated from my lungs as I lunge forward and catch his arm, turning him towards me.

"Did you really just leave a guy who proposed to you without an answer?" He asks me, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I guess I did. I need to think a little. Want a smoke?" I offer, trying to turn the conversation away from me.

"Uh, sure."

I pull my pack out of my pocket and hand a cigarette to him. I didn't notice how shaky I was until I was trying to light the cigarette and had trouble with it. I swallow the lump in my throat and sit on the front steps of the apartment building. Ryan sits down beside me, his body slumping down like a corpse. I'm almost tempted to reach over to make sure he doesn't fall over. He's grown into a shell of a boy and I feel an ache in my heart for partly making him this way. His eyes lack colour and warmth. His fingers deeply mutilated from his own teeth, the skin flaky, red and torn around the stubbed nails. I consider reaching a hand to him and rubbing his back gently but decide against it. I don't want to make him jump. His fingers are almost as shaky as mine are as he takes a few drags of the cigarette before putting it out beneath his heel. I had barely noticed how much mine had burnt up while I thought. I put it out beneath my heel and just sit with my head between my knees for awhile but soon I lift my head to avoid tears from bubbling out. I look up towards the heavenward vista of our chemical hazed sky, watching the dripping pastel colours falling from the sunset. The artificiality of the pinks and blues made my skin tingle with warmth though I was sitting on cold stone in the middle of a snowstorm. The snow pelting my face didn't distract me from the fading fire in the sky but in fact pushed me to try harder to keep the image in my mind and never let it simmer away like the sun disappearing behind the skyline. I stand up, the snow moving around my feet, and reach a hand out to Ryan. I help him to his feet and lead him back upstairs. 

When I push open the door to the apartment, the tension is thick enough to eradicate the air in my lungs. I tell Ryan to sit on the couch and I go to find Gerard. The bedroom door is closed with light slipping through the bottom so I decide to check there first. I open the door and find him crying into his palms on the bed.

"Yes," I whisper, barely audible. I repeat the word  slightly louder and he turns to face me, the sadness disappears from his face as a smile curls up and lights up his eyes. I go sit down beside him on the bed, letting it creak slightly beneath my weight. He fumbles for the ring embedded in his pocket with despair and he pulls it out and slides it onto my ring finger. I thumb over his cheeks, wiping the tears away before crashing my lips to his. I push him so he's laying down and climb over him, leaving rough and hungry kisses along his soft lips.

"I wouldn't have said 'no', I just want you to know that. I was thinking and I just want you to know that I live for your touch and your warmth and your skin and oh god when you're not with me, I'm physically ill beyond comprehension. I shake, I sweat, I feel nauseous and dizzy and there's this ache that just- it just shakes my core and then I see you and I feel like I just got dosed with the best drugs and I can't help smile and god fucking dammit, you are the only reason I can stand staying at school anymore. The only reason I've stayed for the past three years," I boast, not unhappy with the outcome of the mini proclamation. The little trill of a ringtone starts going off in Gerard's pocket and I sit back up a little, letting him reach into his pocket and check the caller.