You're a Mind Fuck, Babe

Chapter 54: I Held You Close As We Both Shook

The actions that follow feel like they're in slow motion. I don't know how to react to all the emotion bubbling over Gerard like a tea kettle whistling to let you know it's done. I count the stream of tears that pour down his rosy cheeks and onto his palms as he tries to speak, his words are choked and muffled. I get him a tissue to wipe away the snot that couldn't be held back anymore and I try to be as supportive as I can by rubbing his back as a way to comfort him and simply listening to all he had to say. He starts recalling events to me that I knew ripped open a wound he had once upon a time closed in hopes to keep it sealed. His eyes are red from the crying and he's starting to get the shakes. I wrap my arms around his shaking body and hold him close to me. I kiss the top of his head as he buries himself in my arms as though I am his shield.

"F-frank.. I-i don't think I've ever told anyone this before but when I was 15.. Well, I ran away from home and i-I didn't come back for... I don't know, a week maybe? I was staying at my first boyfriend's house and his parents didn't know I was there and they didn't even know he was dating anyone let alone a guy like me. We got really hammered that night and I got really quiet and I was just stuck in my head and he, uh Bert, he uh, he started making out with me which we had done a fuckton of times before but he wanted to go further and I wasn't ready but I wasn't strong enough to stop him and all I remember was shouting 'no!' repeatedly while he took advantage of me and... He was my first, I guess... After that, even though I say I just drank for the taste, it's not entirely true.. Some days I just get flashbacks and I need to get them out of my head but I get to the bottom of the bottle and it's almost like I've just imprisoned them at the forefront of my mind instead. I never told anybody about that, not even Mikey, because, I guess I was embarrassed or maybe because it made me feel worthless and unwanted," he chokes out, his voice cracking and wavering. He takes a deep breath and I hold onto him a little tighter.

"It doesn't make you worthless or unwanted at all. It makes Bert a scumbag and you a victim. What he did to you wasn't with your consent so he was in the wrong not you. Babe, I love you, okay? No matter what you've gone through and what you're going through I'm not going to stop loving you, okay?" I confirm as he digs his fingers into my shoulders as he starts crying again. I can feel the tears soaking through my shirt.

"That's why i-i need to dominate and be in power and have control... I need to be on top," he whispers so quietly it's barely audible. A profound silence cloaked over us as I count his heart's offbeat pace and felt his sobs rock his body. I'm so familiar with seeing him strong and confident that seeing him this small and fearful tore open my heart. A sound starts to flood into my ears, something clanging against the window. I do my best to look towards the frosty glass but the light from the room makes it near impossible to see outside. I disregard the sound as hail or freezing rain and go back to gently rubbing circles into Gerard's back with my thumb while he holds onto me as though I'm the only thing keeping him grounded.

Gerard lets go of my waist and stands up, flattening his rinkled shirt against his body and walking towards the bathroom. The floorboards creak under his silent footsteps as he disappears from my view. I hear the tap sputter before the water begins to cascade across his skin and I hear it splashing around, most likely from him washing his face with it. The taps squeak as he turns to close them and I hear a heavy sigh as he saunters back into the room, sorrow painted on his aged face. He didn't look old until now when woe was etched into his every pore, his eyes and nose red from the outburst of tears. His shoulders are tense and his feet drag along the floor as he makes it back to me. He plops down on the couch and the springs bounce underneath his weight. He pulls his knees into his chest and wraps his arms around them. His face looks aged but his body and movements are almost child-like. He takes a big sigh and hides his face between his knees. I reach a shaky hand to his leg and give him a reassuring pat, causing him to flinch and guilt to course through me.