You're a Mind Fuck, Babe

Chapter 60: Do You Hate Me?

I wake up sometime after the sun has risen with a bad kink in my neck. I get off the bed and stretch. Gerard mumbles something before he turns over and rubs his eyes.

"I'm going to shower," I inform him before heading towards the bathroom. He turns back over and covers his head with a sheet. I turn on the water and take off what little clothes I still had on. I stare into the cracked, water spot ridden mirror and see the reflection of someone I hardly recognize. My ribs are poking out and my eyes are sunken in, my lips chapped. I haven't really been eating properly. I need to take better care of myself. It explains why my clothes seemed too baggy and felt like they were threatening to fall off. I climb into the grimy shower once the water reaches a decent temperature and let the water clean off the woes of yesterday. When the heat starts to dissipate from the water, I turn it off and get out. I wrap a towel around my waist and head out of the bathroom. Gerard's sitting on the edge of the bed, looking worried.

"Did something happen?" I ask, pulling my clothes on.

"Your mom called and told me you disappeared last night and hadn't heard from you. How did you get to that convenience store in the middle of fucking nowhere if you were supposed to be at your mom's?" Gerard asks, slightly pissed off.

"I'll tell you after you tell me exactly what you did at the hospital," I offer, sitting down on the bed beside him and taking his hand in mine.

"I threatened Brendon not to ever talk to Ryan again and I kinda told him it would be better if he never showed his face around ever again," Gerard explains.

"Wait, so you left him alive? I thought you were gonna kill him or something, from the way you were talking."

"I was going to but I chickened out. I didn't think I could do it," he says, running his thumb over my hand.

"Your turn."

"Well before I tell you what happened last night, I should tell you that a few nights ago, that guy Bert knocked me out on my way home and took me to this weird barn to warn me about you and that's why I was late getting home and last night, I was bringing Ryan to my mom's house because your house was still infested with cops and when I was there, Bert showed up again and brought me to the same place as before and he kept trying to warn me about you and I told him a story and he pulled a gun on me and I killed him," I explain, shrugging as if it's nothing. Gerard's lower jaw goes slack and he begins blinking rapidly.

"What did you tell him?" He asks, his voice shaky.

"Something I've never told another living person. Something about my dad," I say, straightening my back.

"Don't you trust me?" He pries.

"Nothing leaves this room, right?" I ask, reassuring myself.

"I promise," he replies, nodding his head and biting his lip.

"He tried to kill me so I killed him to save me and his girlfriend and her kids. That's basically what happened," I say quickly, the words tasting sour on my tongue.

"What's it like to have killed someone?" He asks, his eyes searching for mine.

"Empowering. Scary. Elating," I answer, taking a few seconds between each word to think of the best way to describe it. I meet his eyes and I can't read the emotions running through his mind.

"Please say something," I plead, needing to know how he's going to react. If I have to, I know I'll have to end him. Though it pains me to think about that.

"It had to be done, right? Tell me you had no other choice," he begs.

"I didn't. If I hadn't... I'd be dead. If I hadn't killed my dad, his girlfriend, her two kids and I would be dead. It was my last resort." He pulls me into his arms and starts sobbing. What?

"I'm just glad you're okay. You're still alive. I can hear your heartbeat. I can feel your chest rise and fall with everything breath you take. I'm just so glad you're fine," he cries, pressing his head to my chest and clutching me tightly. I wrap my arms around him in return. I drop my arms as he straightens up, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Sorry, I just don't like thinking about losing you. You did what you had to."

I go to reply but his phone starts ringing the second I draw a breath and part my lips. He answers it and the moment whoever is calling starts talking, he starts nodding and replying every few seconds with 'okay. Yeah. Mhm." He gulps and hangs up before running his hand through his hair. Stress is pulsating from his body.

"What is it?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Brendon's dead."

"Was it the stab wound?"

"He overdosed. He killed himself. I think I pushed him to it. Frank, it's my fault," he says, beating himself up. He bites his lip hard, fighting the tears.

"Gerard, it was his choice. It's not your fault. He did it to himself. Just because you told him to stay out of Ryan's life and ours, doesn't mean you made him kill himself. You can't punish yourself." I smack him because he's non responsive and he looks at me, his expression stricken.

"Gerard, look at me. You're going to pretend you never said anything to him and we're going to go to Ryan and make sure he's okay. Okay?" I ask. Gerard nods his head slightly.

"Good."

I help him to his feet and start picking up all of our things.

"Let's go," I say and we leave the room behind. We drive back to the hospital where Ryan is with Brendon's parents. Gerard stays a good distance behind me.

Ryan runs over to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders.

"I don't know what Gerard did or said but thank him for me. He still scares me too much for me to say it myself. I know it's wrong of me to say this but I'm kinda glad he won't be coming back to me," Ryan whispers before pulling away and smiling towards Gerard. Gerard approaches me and laces his fingers in mine.

"It had to be done," he finally justifies what happened.

"Yes, it did."

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