A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm learning to forgive MYSELF

I'm Learning, I'm learning to forgive myself.

My name is Miriama Talei Turagabeci, people call me Miri. I'm 28 years old and walking in the freedom of Jesus Christ. He was the one who set me free.

My childhood was great it was when I became a teenager that the rebellion began and by the time I started working I had completely turned my back on the truth and lived according to my own will.

When I was 18 and for 7 years after, I was in the wilderness, living a prodigal life, indulging in the pleasures of this world. I was so lost and broken. During this time the Lord still faithfully pursued me, but I kept turning my back on Him. Then there were times where I would cry out to him and decide to get my life on track but no sooner had I done so, I was back to my old path of destruction.

Those 7 years of my life was filled with pain, shame and filth. I was so deep in sin. To think that the Lord Jesus Christ would give his life for me, to wash all that was and make me new is unbelievable. Still now when I look back, I'm so overwhelmed that he could and that he did, because I can honestly say that I deserved death.

2016 was when I began to seek God diligently, that was when he became ever so real. I had to leave my work place return home to gain perspective of my life. It was during that time that I rededicated my life to Christ. I began to learn to live in grace and a hunger began to develop. I wanted to please Him by living according to His will.

As the journey began something I learnt something so powerful and that was before God could deal with the people around me, my struggles, fears, ambitions or break through, I needed to first remove the speck that was in my eye. Meaning to begin the Lord had to deal with me first and foremost - to sort out my baggage from the past.

He taught me that I needed to forgive myself. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do, considering what I knew about my past. My prodigal living in those 7 years found me doing things that has tarnished my name. A stain has and will forever be bared over my name. I was so disgusted with my old self. There were times where I would think of the "what if's" and the "if only' and wish all the past never happened. I would be happy in that short lived fantasy. But soon after, I snap back to reality and realize it's still there. I'd be in despair all over again.

But his word reminded me that "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness" -1 John 1:9 . That scripture struck me. "ALL" not some but ALL our unrighteousness. If HE the living God can wipe my slate clean and remember my sins no more then why do I keep hurting myself over what happened in my past or let others do the same?

I struggled with this, I would cry constantly because I wish I could and other people could see me through God's eyes but I too needed to look at myself as a new being first but in order for me to do that I had to forgive myself.

Once I finally forgave myself, I felt a huge release, it was as if a stronghold was lifted. I was finally at peace with my past. To forgive myself was the key to loving myself. Although it doesn't change my past, it no longer has a hold on me. The devil can no longer make me feel unloved or worthless. He can no longer use my past against me because my Lord Jesus took it all upon Himself on the cross.

Until I learnt to forgive myself I could not forgive others. I'm learning that I can't change how people look at me. As human beings we always magnify the failures and wrongs of others more than their success or what's good about them. But I can change the way I look at myself through the power of Jesus Christ through forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not done once but is daily renewed. Some days it is hard because there are people who like to remind me of my past. My patience is tested especially when words of judgments are passed about my past and yep like every other human being it hurts regardless whether it's true or not it still hurts. I could choose to fight back defend my honor throw some shade here and there, even get physical but I learnt the greatest lesson in 1 Peter 4:8 "that love covers a multitude of sin''

Yes, it is hard turning the other cheek!! Yes, it pricks my ego to be the bigger person and walk away!! Yes there are days I want to fight back!! but I learnt the greatest battle is won when I'm on my knees before my Savior sobbing.

Praise God after that prayer he does give me peace, and the wisdom to deal with situations His way. Being still and knowing that He is God (Psalms 46:10) is a challenge especially when I learnt all those years to become thick skinned, it may sound tough and macho but that's a defenses mechanism that only hurts myself. To forgive myself is the beginning to many hearings and only Jesus could do that.

I'm Miri and I'm learning.

I'm Learning, I'm learning to forgive myself.