A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm learning about Rejection

I'm learning, I'm learning about Rejection.

All my life I have always felt like I was never good enough. I never understood why or how that came about but I always felt that I needed to be accepted and that I needed someone to need have for me. With my parents I felt that they needed to show affection either through a kiss, hug or compliment to make me feel wanted, without any of those I would feel unloved. so I was always working towards their acceptance. I understand that this is normal for any child to be wanted, but I feel mine was a bit more than usual.

In my childhood my friends mattered the most especially with my best friends. I would automatically feel insecure if I felt like I had competition, the thought of being replaced or to lose them frightened me. I would feel left out and soon enough I would fight to keep them. As early as 6 I remember already feeling insecure with a fellow class mate hanging with my friend whom I believed was my best friend. I remember being so mean to her, I wouldn't talk to her and even told her that I wouldn't invite her to my 7th birthday, even at that age I felt that she was a threat.

As I got older this need began to grown, as a teenager it  was hard to allow new people into my circle of friends, I could be casual with other class mates but my circle of friends was super tight. Moving from my Primary years to Secondary School my 2 best friends were in 2 different classes in the first two years of high school. we made sure to hang out every breaks to catchup luckily in my final 2 years we were together because we all took the same subjects and that was Science, with this I remember feeling safe.

As I began working this need had matured, I'd have to make friends with everyone and I felt that if I was not invited to something even though I had nothing to do with it or the function had nothing to do with me not being included it still affected me. I would question what was wrong with me? I would begin wonder why they didn't invite me. It's ridiculous s because even though I knew I was not part of that department being not invited would hurt me and I didn't understand why, this irritated me because I knew my feelings were ridiculous but still I had those feelings.

I needed to fit in every circle. I know that's impossible but I had to by the time I began dating I thought it would go away because the answer was in that relationship, how wrong I was I began to be extreme as psychotic as this may sound I would get into fights just to break up just so that he could come back to me, and if he broke up with me I'd beg him to stay. This happened to a few of my relationships, being single was just out of the question. I had to be loved and in being loved meant that I needed to be needed.

Applying for jobs also had a huge effect on me, being rejected or not called back had a great emotional effect. I would feel depressed  I'd tell myself "this is life Miri get over it, some things you win and some you will lose" but still I would feel worthless.

Years had gone by until I finally go to the root of the problem. One night during our family devotion, my father made a confession, he said that when I was born he had wanted a boy and not a girl he had already had my older brother and sister and this time he wanted a boy. At the hospital after my mother gave birth he mentioned this to her and she told him, that that was wrong, my siblings also didn't want me because my father had told them that they were going to see their brother. He said he later accepted me when he went to relay the news to my grandmother, she rebuked him and told him that he should not say such things and that every child is a gift from God.

THAT WAS THE ROOT!!

My father's rejection opened the door way to feeling insecure, unloved and needy. It was the spirit of rejection that had had a hold of me from the moment he didn't want me. I didn't feel resentment or anger towards my father, he asked for forgiveness and I forgave him but I felt a happiness come about because finally got my answer.

It is human nature to not receive rejection well whether it's a job application, a relationship, from parents, school applications or even circle of friends. It leaves a huge scar. The devil plays with rejection he knows this leads to a trail of sin, anger, bitterness, hatred etc which leads to years of turmoil and tears.

We all are born with a yearning to be accepted and loved, there is a special place in our heart that nothing of this world can fill that void, no amount of cash, loved one, status, fame or power can ever fill it. We will always be empty longing for that to be filled and be accepted.

That special spot was created by the Almighty and he is the ONLY one that can fill it. He is more than enough. I went on a 21 day fast of self-deliverance, a time of praying and seeking God, to uproot the things that were not of him, a time or repentance and renunciation. 

It only by the power of the Lord God almighty that I could be set free Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord of Hosts"

I Praise the Lord for my Freedom. God is so good and faithful to set me free. I'm happy and I feel at peace. This knowledge that I gained led me to other issues in my life that I opened up myself to and that I needed to renounce and ask the Lord Jesus to deliver me.

I can finally say that I'm single and I'm content with it, for years I believed I needed to be with someone. Now I'm walking in the Truth of the Lord Jesus Christ in his love and his acceptance. I now know how to handle rejection with love and forgiveness, when things don't go my way I am now able accept it with love.

If you have an issue with rejection, know this that you are more than enough for our God. You don't have to prove your worth to him just know that he accepts and loves you just the way you are. Take the time to talk with God and tell him all that you are feeling. asking him to forgive you and cleanse you. Ask God to fill that empty void.

Trust me one he take place as your Lord and Savior of you life. you begin to find purpose and he give you the love and peace that you were looking for.

I'm learning, I'm learning about Rejection