A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm Learning to forgive OTHERS

I'm learning. I'm learning to forgive OTHERS

I'm learning that it is inevitable to get hurt by others, either by word or by action. There is no amount of positive thinking or self-psyching that is going to make me strong, and let it go over my head. It will still offend me. I could carry an offence for years. I could choose to ignore it or purposely shoved it in the corner of my heart. Sometimes I would choose to forgive but never would I forget. However, to truly forgive is not to be affected when the memory returns 

1 Corinthians 13:5 "Love keeps no record of being wronged". How I struggled with that!

When I was in the world I handled offences my way. I would retaliate with a battle of words or get physical. But my way then was the wrong way. I learnt how to forgive through the mother of a then boyfriend. The relationship was wrong to begin with but the driving factor to discontinue with the relationship was his mother. After a year we decided to mutually and peacefully part.

I met her son in "The learning church''. I was taken by surprise with the things she would say about me because I had met her before her son and I began seeing each other, and she seemed like a very lovely lady. She was kind and sweet, she mentioned that she was acquainted with my mother in the medical field. But all things changed when she found out about my relationship with her son.

She had an issue with my past in which she could not get over. I thought she would be understanding and would show the love of Christ because she went to church. I thought she would accept me. I thought she would be happy that I came to find Christ. But she wasn't. I would hear all that she said about me from the people in the church; my friends and even her son. Her words were mean and hurtful. For the next year I suffered abuse from her hand, I had to block her on social media and change my number because she would call and lash out at me.

I now understand where she was coming from. I guess I was not what she was expecting for her ONLY son. I'm sure she wanted a prim and proper Christian girl who never experienced the world. One who was brought up in the word with no past history, well-educated and with a good Job. I on the other hand had a questionable past, had just left work, returned to redo my high school certificate and now was staying home trying to figure out my next step in life.

I remember hearing her first label about me. She had called me "RUBBISH". That had been hurtful. I remember being so numb and shocked that I gave in to uncontrollable crying. She had made me feel worthless and all the memory of my past began to come back. I told myself, She's right, I am rubbish. why would anyone want to be with me? I was a party animal, who loved to hit the clubs on Friday nights, I liked to drink, I had a huge tattoo on my back, I had worked in a secular radio station. She was right I am rubbish. But soon I could feel anger begin to rage. I questioned who she was to judge me?

But at that moment the Holy Spirit said FORGIVE. Forgive? That was so new to me, I fought with myself for a while, why should I forgive? Why don't I just handle it the old Miri way - attack her with words or better yet get into a boxing match. The boxing classes I was taking sure would come in handy now! But as all those thoughts filled my head, I knew I had to forgive her.

But how do you forgive? Yes, I'm in the right she is in the wrong; I have every right to be mad! I have every right to retaliate, she is the one who hurt me. It was a struggle. I cried out to God begging him to help me forgive, it was so difficult but I knew that I had to. In the midst of my tears on the bedroom floor he reminded me of his word.

1 John 4:20 ''He who says he loves God but hates his brother is a liar, for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God whom we cannot see ''

Who was I fooling? How can I go to church or claim to love God when my heart is as black as the ace of spades? To even hate a brother would make me a MURDERER! According to God's word in 1 John 4:8 "he who does not love does not know God, FOR GOD IS LOVE"

I would grow in resentment by the choice not to forgive.

I'm reminded of the worst possible person who had lived who in my human understanding deserved no forgiveness. That person is Hitler. I'm struck with awe that even my God loved the vilest sinner and sent his son the Lord Jesus Christ as the perfect atonement for his sins, and if Hitler had asked for forgiveness he would have been saved but I digress. The unconditional love of God to all men kind regardless of the scale we use to measure how good or bad of the person is, he chose to die for ALL and FORGIVE ALL John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life"

I'm learning that forgiveness was made to set me free from the burdens I carry.

I can only be free to experience Gods love by CHOOSING to forgive. Besides, how can I not forgive when Christ chose to take the first step to forgive me when I was at my worst, lost and sinking in sin? Colossians 3:13 ''bearing with one another , and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another: even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do". my heart to ooze out the love of Christ by prayer and through blessing. Romans 12:14 "'Bless those who persecute you bless do not curse"

As crazy as it sound, to pray to forgive and bless, to ask God to give me the strength to forgive, I thought this was the most bizarre weapon, not to fight not to retaliate but to be still and pray Phillipians4:6-7 "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus". So I tried it, how I was wrong so wrong God enlighten my heart, call me a weakling but that heaviness, hurt, anger, hatred all went away because God gave me his eyes to see through.

That relationship had ended, But I realize that in every circumstances we learn some valuable lessons. that one of the reason of being in that relationship was to learn about forgiveness, I learnt that not everyone will like you and that was ok, I learnt that some people will never get over your past and that's ok, I learnt that people in the church can gossip and that was ok, I learnt that words can and will hurt you if you allow it to. I'm really thankful for her life, the whole time I was in the relationship I continued to hear hurtful things, the abuse did not stop yes they would hurt but she drove me to my knees time and time again I learnt to forgive and in those time of forgiveness I began to have the most compassion for her, it was strange because in human thinking how on earth could you love someone when they clearly hurt you? It is only through the power of  Forgiveness.

I still pray for her today, prayers of blessing on her life, on everything she touches that it will flourish, that she will succeed in everything she does, blessing on health, on her marriage and relationships with her children, but most importantly that she will be able to grow in Christ. I do believe our paths will cross and she and I will become great friends. But for now I'll continue to love, pray and forgive her.

Forgiveness is gifted to all by our heavenly father and is a powerful weapon of love that breaks barriers sets us free and allows me to shine the light of Christ.

I'm learning. I'm learning to forgive Others.