A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm learning about Abortion.

I'm learning, I'm learning about Abortion.

How do you even begin to write something that you are ashamed of? How do you speak about something that you are afraid of people's judgment, how do you convince yourself that it was a mistake? How do you ask for forgiveness when you know that the action was wrong to begin with? How do you hide the scars and pretend it never happened? How do you forget?

It is ONLY by the power of the blood of Jesus Christ, by his love and his forgiveness by him making me a new creature and most importantly by his healing, that I can share this part of my story.

I want to make something clear from the start. ABORTION IS MURDER!

I knew from a very young age that to abort a child is murder; I championed this even when I spoke with friends and family. When I heard stories of abortion I would get all rallied up in judgment, so quick to comment so quick to feel disgusted. I proudly said that even If I got pregnant never would I abort the child, my self-righteousness betrayed me.

I joined a non-governmental organization that had to do with women; one of the requirements to join for the leadership program was to go through a final interview. The funny thing is I can't remember the interview but only a particular question that hunted me for years and that was "are you pro-life or pro-choice". My answer was stern I said "I believe in Pro-life, and to terminate is murder no matter if she conceived through consent, accident or even rape". I remember being so passionate to the interviewer about what I stood for.

It's July 7th 2019, the time 9:48pm it's a chilly Monday night and I'm at the kitchen table working on this book, she would have been here, I'm tearing up as I type this. She would have been in bed by now because tomorrow the 6 years old she would need to get up early for school she would have been in year 1. She would be asking me to help her in her homework's, telling me all the things she learnt, naming her friends and what kind of lunch she would like to take. She and I would have had our Disney cartoon marathons, dress up in our favorite princess character. She would have been so beautiful with olive skin and curly hair. She would have been here.

2012 was when I met her father, he had separated from his wife whom he shared 3 children with, he was much older than me, I was 21 at that time, he was extremely handsome, kind and romantic, we had so much fun together. There was nothing wrong with him, the only thing was that I first thought I was in love but soon realized that it was just an infatuation and a rebound from a painful breakup.

The strange thing is that I knew the moment of conception even before my body could respond. I knew I was having a girl. One afternoon he and I went for a walk and sat at my neighborhood park that was where I told him that I was pregnant, I remember wearing a huge jacket because I was extremely cold, he first froze and asked me if I was sure, I said yes. That's when he said that he couldn't have another child. I was afraid of my parents what they would say and do especially of my mother because she had constantly told my siblings and I that she would never accept any illegitimate child.

Through a friend I managed to find a Doctor who specialized in this area, She and I headed to that clinic to check how far along I was, to enquire how much it cost and to book a date. The doctor told me I needed a scan, I lay on the chair and he proceeded, the image of my 3 months old baby came up and not once did I feel any guilt of what I was about to do. She was staring at me wanting to be loved, I heard her heart beat but my heart was so cold I had rejected her.

I booked my date and was to have my operation the following week, I remember standing in the sitting room lifting my shirt and banging on my stomach hoping I'd lose her, I was so ashamed, I was frightened and I was alone. A thought came about keeping her but it lost to the scale of all the reasons why I should. What will my parents say? I'd bring so much shame to my family because my parents were Christians, I thought about my partner and him not ready for a 4th child. I thought about what people would think about me, people had always mentioned that Miri would be the first to have a child outside of marriage because she is the wild one compared to her sister, I wanted to prove them wrong, It was my pride that had sealed the deal.