A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm learning the importance of Singleness.

I'm learning, I'm learning the importance of Singleness 

Ever since I could remember I have always wanted to get married. My mother has a memory that she likes to tell me time and time again with a grin. It's a memory that depicts this desire of marriage. At a tender age of 5 I would use the mosquito net as a veil and would dance around as if I was walking down the aisle.

I had a wonderful childhood with games; hopscotch, boys catch girls, I would climb trees, scrape my knee, eat junk and dance - it was really an awesome childhood. I remember much laughter with family, school holidays at my mother's village, and sleepovers with friends, bus rides and dreams.

Dreams. I had lots of dreams. One-minute I wanted to be a superstar, and the next a doctor, it continued to change as the years went by.

But I had ONE main dream and that was MARRIAGE. The dream never changed. I'd see my father walk me down the Aisle, the reception, the first dance, my grooms family my family our friends. This dream was so dear to me. The fairytale that I'm sure most women would have when they were older was one that was etched deep in my heart.

Every Princess and romantic movie where the boy gets the girl became a favorite, by the time I was 13 I would have crushes and the dream would play out. My crush at the time would be the groom in my dreams. Little did I realize that as I got older I became desperate to find the one who would fulfill my dreams.

By 18 I finally start dating. (While I'm typing this I cringe and realize how young 18 really is to even start dating) The adult me says I was such a baby, but at 18  fresh out of high school I felt I was a big girl. So unconsciously, I started looking for the one.

And so I fell in love ( well that what I thought) He was everything that I wanted but soon that relationship ended. That was my first heartbreak. It was unbearable I thought I could not love again. I was determined to move on but in doing so I began to become bitter. I hid my tears behind long hours of the night life, rebellious clothing, momentary laughter with friends, I didn't want to be alone. I made sure that I didn't give him the pleasure of knowing that I was hurting. But deep inside was a desperate plea to be loved. My skin became thick so thick that my character started to change and I didn't even notice it.

The years rolled by and it's the same story; one failed relationship after another. It was sweet when it started; romantic dates, movies, and dinner parties but somehow something was missing. So the relationships ended, and I was left hurting again. Long silent nights became deafening and I would cry out to God asking Him if he would ever give me my happy ending.

In each relationship however, I heard a voice always ever so clearly whispering to me, "Miri he is not the one". But desperate to be loved and being afraid to end up alone, I muted that voice. Yet the voice turned out to be right. That voice was the Holy Spirit trying to protect me from getting hurt. In each relationship had I listened I would have prevented that .

Fast forward to 2016 and I see his faithfulness, how his love is relentless to find me pick me up and start over with my sanctification. He freed me from many strongholds. oh what a journey it has been, to be rebuked corrected and guided towards salvation, It is hard but I'm still learning.

There was a moment.... The moment of healing.

And in that moment I see myself on my knees prostrated in front of the Father with my arms stretched out to him cupping my broken pieces, all the heartaches, tears, filth, sin that I've carried for so long and all I can see is my Lord Jesus so kind enough to pick up my broken pieces and love on unconditionally in his Glory and Grace. He then takes all my pieces that I've carried for so long and looks at me with no disgust at all, with the purest compassion and mercy, Yet I feel so filthy before his holiness and unworthy to be even in front of his presence but yet I WANT to be there and not one moment does he chase me away. 

I want to be wanted, I want to be healed and most importantly I want to be loved. As he held my broken heart he tells me that he loved me even before the foundations of the earth was laid and that nothing can ever separate me from his love. That was what I was searching for, He is more than enough, he was the love I needed. No man can ever fill that emptiness he is the love that I was looking for.

I'm 28 and single. I used to despise singleness but now I have embraced it. This new journey without a man but with God has become strange but satisfying. 

Singleness is the time where we find ourselves in God, our purpose our calling and gifts for the edification of the church. It gives us the opportunity to grow in spirit and truth, to seek his face and learn. I'm learning to trust him, I'm learning total dependency on him and to let Him build me into "wifey" material so that when the time is right I'll be ready to be my man's lifelong partner.

Some people learn earlier on in life and some people hit road blocks along the way but eventually we learn through God. His timing is perfect, for he brings beauty out of ashes and has made everything beautiful in its given time. There is a time for everything. I feel I'm on that journey where he peels the old man in me and reshapes the new one.

I'll admit there are days where I feel lonely. Yes I am only human. But there is a hope now knowing that I have a heavenly father who loves me and knows my desire to find a spouse and will indeed grant that desire when the time is right, and when the time is right the man God has pre-purposed for me will be ready and I will be ready and we will both bring Gods purpose into effect. This way our marriage will not be a form of idolatry to each other but a means to glorify God in our calling as husband and wife.

But for now my focus must be on God, to work on my salvation, share the gospel, to fight the good fight of faith and to please my Master after all he has done for me on the cross.

I'm learning the importance of Singleness.

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