A Journal of a Broken Personality

I'm learning about Waiting

I'm learning, I'm learning about Waiting

Waiting, waiting and waiting *sigh*

Waiting on the Lord is a painful process; I never really understood how hard and frustrating it could be, how it can push you to your limits, how it takes your emotions on a whirlwind. I used to hear people testify about the "waiting period" and I couldn't see the big fuss and used to think man this person is really impatient, but when I had my waiting season I finally understood.

Waiting on God is indeed difficult this season is a time for growing. My faith was tested and pushed to the edge  my trust would waver, one moment I'd be on the mountain proclaiming Gods faithfulness and hopes that would reach the sky and the next I'd be questioning God. There were times where I'd be on my knees sobbing "Father have you forgotten me" a prayer of desperation begging I would cry "God is there any blessing for me?" I was on a roller coaster of emotions.

I left work to return to school in 2016 and 2017 to redo my high school certificate once I finished I applied for a scholarship on November 2017 to a Business School in the States and I got through, I missed out on the fully funded scholarship but managed to get a partial scholarship even so my family and I believed that God would provide.

So for a whole year I knew that I was leaving for San Francisco in August, I believed God was going to come through for me because he helped me with my entry essay even with the interviews. During that time of waiting I was serving God in different forms of Ministry. My prayer life was on peak, I'd be praying with other believers  visiting friends and encouraging them. A couple that was to wed that June I would help fast, bible study and fellowship. All was well and I was so sure that I was going but then came the devastating email on July 1 2018 that I lost my scholarship. At first I was ok but then it began to sink in and that's when I lost it.

I froze I didn't know how to pray or to talk to God. Social media became a tool of depression, the success of other pushed me in a rage of jealousy, Here I was 27, living with my parents  jobless unmarried and I sunk even deeper into depression. I was mad at God, I questioned him and said why would you do this to me, put my life on hold for something that was never mine to begin with? I could have just gone to the local University, I was furious I felt like a complete fool because my family and friends knew that I was going. Nights would go by and I would cry out to God. I was miserable I didn't want to talk to my family I would lock myself in my room, trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Psalms 27:14" Wait on the lord, be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord" It is impossible to wait on the Lord with our own strength; we will always fail, as humans we can only take so much. Waiting on the Lord can only happen when we are in his presence that is through reading his word, spending time through prayer and fasting. Psalms 16:11 In your presence there is fullness of Joy, once we are in his presence he gives us joy by being in it and eventually by that joy he gives as the strength to endure. 

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength.

The equation is simple for waiting

Presence of God = Joy = strength to endure

I learnt a very painful lesson in my not going to the States and that was don't just serve God just so you can get his blessing but serve him because he is God.

Waiting is a very painful process especially when we don't do it the right way causing the days to be longer and to drag. I'm writing this book and I'm still in my waiting season, it's almost a year since my not going and it has been a very difficult year still unemployed and not schooling but I praise God I'm learning so much.

Job 5:17 "Behold happy is the man whom God corrects: Therefore, do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. For he bruises but he binds up; He wounds but his hands make whole". You see he bruises and wound our flesh so that the sinful nature dies so that he makes us more like him, but isn't God just wonderful that after the bruising and the wounding he is loving enough to bind up and make us whole. Joseph is a fantastic example; his waiting seasons he was crushed by the betrayal of his own family his brothers, falsely accused by his maters wife and thrown into prison, to help the kings cup bearer to being forgotten. What a terrible season of waiting but look what happened after keeping his focus on God he became the second most powerful man in Egypt. Joseph spent 13 years of waiting became Governor at 30 and lived to the ripe old age of 110. The Lord will always repays his faithful servants.

God dealt with Joseph's character which he was more interested in rather than his comfort. It is difficult to see the silver lining in the waiting season. I at time get depressed when I see the success of others but I'm learning to trust God and rely on his word and strength to pull through. It takes one day at a time slowly I'll get there. By the way I'm still waiting on the direction God wants me to go next. But this time I'm waiting with Joy.

I'm learning, I'm learning about Waiting