Our Secret Dream

Back in LA

It's been a week since Vegas and all the drama with Jaden. Bryce and a few of the other guys have tried to reach out to me, but I have been hauled up at my house writing and trying to film now music. Not to mention process and move on from what happened in Vegas. I had forced my feeling and fears down for the last day in Vegas as I didn't want to ruin the trip but when we landed I didn't have any way to forget or ignore it.

I haven't seen or spoken to anyone since we landed back home. Bry has been trying to reach out and see me but I've been pulling away from him putting distance between us. I fucking hate it and yet I'm the one doing it. It's stupid and silly but it's just what I need right now.

He called around yesterday and banged on the door for an hour trying to get me to open up but I didn't. Instead I went into my studio, the only place in my house that was sound proof. My phone has been switched off for three days so I'm not sure what that's going to look like when I eventually switch it back on.

I feel like I'm over what happened in Vegas and as much as I miss seeing my friends and Bry, I needed to be away from them. I didn't just go radio silent either, I had told them all on the plane ride back that I was going to take a few days for just me and try to process everything. They all understood and as much as Bryan wanted to stay with me to support me he reluctantly agreed to let me do this alone. I guess none of us knew that a couple days would actually turn out to be nearly a week.

I flip the phone around in my fingers trying to decide if today was the day to turn it back on or not. This has become a routine every morning, up until now if felt fear and anxiety at the thought of switching it back on or even leaving my house. Fuck it. I click the on button and watch the screen light up with all my missed messages and missed call notifications.

Bryan -> 250 messages, 80 missed calls, 150 voicemails

Quinn -> 300 messages, 10 missed calls

Chris -> 150 messages, 40 missed calls, 10 voicemails

Tyler -> 100 messages, 25 missed calls, 8 voicemails

Mel -> 60 messages, 45 missed calls, 5 voicemails

Bryce -> 200 messages, 100 missed calls, 10 voicemails

Dom -> 50 messages, 20 missed calls, 5 voicemails

Taylor -> 25 messages, 10 missed calls

Noah -> 10 messages, 5 missed calls, 2 voicemails

Shit, that's a lot of notifications, I don't want to deal with them right now I just want to finish editing my new tracks and then work on getting the covers taken. The only problem is to do that I need to see Dom and if I see Dom then I'll probably end up seeing Quinn. Who will then tell Bryan who will join them. Plus I know Bryan would get pissed if I didn't see him first and as much as I love 'daddy/dominate' B, I don't think right now is the time.

I sigh and leave the studio, I change into some running gear and head down stairs. Whilst walking I put my air pods in my ears, press play. My usually workout playlist starts to play and I head out of my house. I push my anxiety aside and force myself to push through.

I decide to run up to the look out point on the top of the hill near the Dream house. I just hope I don't get spotted by anyone. The run would help clear my mind and help me come up with what I wanted to say to Bryan and the others - I couldn't keep pushing them off and hiding inside my house. It's time. I'll stop by the house on my way back.

Twenty minutes later I am sat on the bench looking out across Hollywood. The view truly is breath taking, I still have moments where I am in awe of this place. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming and non of this is real. I slip out my phone and take a photo of the view, deciding to make a post on Instagram.