Letters I'll Never Send

It's a Secret

Secret person I'm writing to,

I forgive you. I forgive you completely. I know I said I did before, but we all knew that I actually didn't. It didn't take a genius to guess that I still got angry whenever I thought about the events of last semester.

But this morning, I looked at you, and I forgave you. I was not upset at all about what you did.

And more importantly, I have forgiven myself. I no longer regret the harsh things I said. I mean, to an extent I do, but in a healthy way. You know what I mean? I no longer lay awake at night torturing myself about what I should and should not have said, but I recognize that what I did was wrong and it would have been better if it didn't go down like that.

But then again, I kind of like the way things are right now. What happened with us allowed me to open up and branch out and let new people into my life. Which is something I wouldn't have done back when we were what we were. 

Anyways, back to the point. I don't believe that we are ever going to go to that level of relationship in which we had. But see, the thing is, I'm happy about that. Now that I think about it, we were really fragile. And we both just had so much baggage that one simple thing could destroy us entirely.
And it did. 
Which is why we are where we are now. 

I thank you, secret person. Not just for the best year of my life, but also for getting fed up with me. Because of that, I now realize that I can't try to be the perfect person for everyone. Because trying only makes me become the opposite of what I was trying to achieve. 

I thought I was being everything that you wanted. That you needed. But honestly, I was treating you like trash. While I was trying to be what you wanted me to be, I slipped and was what others wanted instead, which was not what you needed.
Confusing, isn't it? Yeah, I like it that way. Complicated is what describes me. And I know it. And I accept it.

But still, I forgive you. We will not be like that again, I know. And now, after months and months of lying to myself and to others and being too harshly engrossed in the past,
I'm okay will it.

-Emily