Letters I'll Never Send

Ross p2

Ross,

I'm so confused right now. Everything is confusing. I always thought of you as a best friend and nothing more.
But now...

I don't know. I just don't. I mean, I've always wanted to kiss you. Always. Back when I didn't like you and back when I did. I wanted to steal your first kiss. I wanted something that Rachel couldn't take from you.
And I still do, but now it's more than that. It isn't just a simple "I wanna kiss you" it's more like an "I wanna kiss you and hold your hand and walk with you and wrap my arms around you and never let go." Which is weird, since I never thought I liked you.
I liked Eric. I liked Lacen. I liked Don. Not you.
And yet...

It all started two weeks ago. I was laying in my bed, an eight year old right next to me (she was spending the night and wanted to be with me), and I let my mind wander.
And it wandered to you. It wandered to that time we cuddled on my bed. And it wandered to us doing it again one day. And kissing you passionately. And then pulling away, laughing, and doing it again.

And then (in real life now) the following Sunday I saw you at church. And I hugged you. And you squeezed. You never squeezed in a hug before.
And I swooned. I never wanted to let go. I've hugged you every time I've seen you for three years, and never once have I wanted to just stay and hold you forever.
Until now.

I have no idea what's going on with me. I think I like you. Hell, I might even love you. When you speak, I can't help but notice the way your lips are always hinting at a smile. And when you do smile, I can't help but notice how deep in your dimples go. When you play that dubstep board thing, I can't help but watch you in awe. You're so focussed on it, yet you love it. I see the joy on your face and the seriousness that's almost never there.

And then when we swing together on the playground and twist the chains so we face each other, I can't help but want to lean in and put our lips together. When we sit on the bench outside, I can't help but want to scoot closer towards you and grab your hand.

Man, I've got it bad. I'm pretty sure these feelings have always been here and I've just been denying them because it's YOU, Ross. And everyone has been expecting and hoping for us to fall in love and our whole thing was to torture them as much as possible.

I think I knew this last month, but didn't acknowledge it. At that wedding we went to, I really wanted to dance with you. I did. And maybe it was the whole mood of the place, but I wanted to BE with you. Forever.
Weird right?

And what's crazy is, I think you feel it too.

Today you decided we were gonna have a thumb war. And it was almost like holding your hand. And you were purposely dragging it out. And then, when that kid got hit in the face by your brother with the ball, we just sat there talking to them, our hands still in the thumb war formation and our thumbs pushed up against each other. You can't tell me that you were doing that "as friends."

And you also keep tickling me, which you KNOW makes me spazz out and lean against you to make you stop.

There are other things too, but nothing I could write would do any justice to how they feel and our relationship.

What sucks is, I only see you at church. So I can't make a move or talk to you about any of this. You know, cuz it's church and we shouldn't do stuff like that, or even speak of it, on church grounds. It just feels wrong.
I mean, sometimes you spend the night. But then my brother consumes all your time and you barely get to hang with me...

Oh gosh. I wrote this and realized I do like you. Or love you. Am I in love? Gosh, this feels so much more different than Eric and Jared, and I'm pretty sure I loved them... maybe it is love. Maybe love feels different with each person you give it to.

Wow. I'm in love. With Ross. My best friend. This is great. I can be myself around you. I'm so comfortable around you. And I know if we were in a relationship you would be dedicated 100%, so that's good.

Julianna says she's gonna talk to you about this in a low key way. She says she's gonna find out if you still feel the way you used to about me.
God, I hope you do.
I really, truly, honestly hope you do.

But wait. Everything would go to hell if you did. People would taunt us, our families especially. Our friendship would be all weird. We would be awkward. If we broke up, we would never be the best friends like we are now.

Am I really going to chance it? Would I risk it all for you? For love?

I don't know. Which is why I'm so confused.

God, help me.

-Emily