Letters I'll Never Send

Edward

Edward,

So much has happened. So much. And to be honest, I don't like it that much. It was fun at first, but now? Now I feel trapped. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to hug or kiss you or hold your hand in the hallway.

Let me back up:

It started a few weeks ago. We'd been randomly texting each other back and forth and carrying on short conversations. I got excited because I felt like you were coming back to me. Like it was supposed to happen. Like we would finally get a chance to be us again. It was like that connection that I always felt we had was pulling us together one last time.

Then, I asked you if I didn't move, did you think we would have kissed more? You said yes and asked if I wanted to do it again. I said yes and asked you. You said it would be nice. Then, you started to 'plan' a way for us to kiss soon. I got very happy about that because, to me, you were the one that got away. Except, not in a romantic sense. Gosh, I can't really explain it.

I don't think you're cute. I never did. That's a really harsh thing to say, and I feel really bad for saying it. I just.. don't feel that way about you. I don't see you as boyfriend material. Well, not material for my boyfriend. And no, it's not because you aren't the most attractive person. It's because I just don't feel that way about you. We've always had this connection, but I now realize that it was never meant to be romantically.

Speed up two weeks. It's Monday. You KIKed me and asked me if I liked you and I said yes. I don't know why I said yes, because I didn't. Maybe I said yes because I felt bad for flirting with you. Maybe I said yes because I felt like that was what I was always supposed to say. Maybe I said yes because I thought the 'connection' was making me. I don't know why, but I said yes. Then you said you liked me too. The next thing I know, you're meeting me before school starts and asking me to kiss you in the hallway.

Woah.

I'll admit, I love kissing. I love being lip-locked with a cute person. See, I've kissed you three times before and it was no big deal. It was fun because it was rare to kiss you. It was cool because I had always wanted to kiss you just to see if it would tell me what I actually feel for you. What's funny is, we spent the first two years of knowing each other battling back and forth about kissing. You would be ready to kiss me, but then I would get scared and back off. I would be ready to kiss you, and you would be acting like I was just another one of your sister's friends.

Then, last year, we finally kissed and I liked it because the kiss screamed "FINALLY." Now, it had been a year since then. Since the last time we kissed. I had time to settle back down and get that feeling of rarity again. So when you wanted to kiss me before school, I jumped at the chance.

And it was exhilarating. Maybe that's because we hadn't done it in a long time, or maybe it was because it was my little way of rebelling. Either way, I knew that I wanted more and you told me that you did too. So we planned to kiss after school.

Now, planned kissing is so not romantic. Then again, nothing about you ever is. I don't know why, on that first day, I was so excited to kiss you again. For the next two days, it was great. I looked forward to meeting you in the hall before and after school. I held your hand in the hallway and flirted heavily over text message.

But then the weekend happened. Something changed, though I'm still not sure what. You seemed.. more aggressive. Even though you have since told me that you wouldn't do anything I don't want to, I still don't like it. You started coming off less sweet, and more perverted. You showed me disgusting anime pictures (yes, those kind of pictures) that you had on your ipod and you kept pressuring me to come to church with you Wednesday. Which wouldn't have been so bad, if you hadn't been wanting me to go purely because it meant we would get to be together in your room beforehand. And I am not about to do that.

Things changed. Everything started feeling wrong. My mind was screaming "ABORT ABORT" and I have no idea why.

We didn't kiss Monday morning and I was as thankful as can be. I didn't want to kiss you. I still don't. You texted me at lunch and told me that you "planned to make up for it." 'It' being not kissing me. That afternoon, you guided me to a lonely corner on the fine arts hall.

I went to kiss you as casually as I had before, but you had other ideas. You were aggressive. Intense. It was like making-out except there was no tongue. After a few seconds, I couldn't handle it anymore so I pulled my face away. Do you remember what you said?

Here, let me remind you:

"We're not done."

Um, excuse me? No. You do not get to control me like that. If I want to stop kissing you, then I am going to stop kissing you. Just because you don't want to stop doesn't mean that we won't. You do not have that freaking power and it's disgusting that you think you do.

I glanced around the hallway. There were people a few feet down and I didn't want to make a scene, so I played it off like I wasn't going to punch you in the face.

"God, you're so controlling," I said. But my tone of voice wasn't right. It came out sounding like a big joke. Like I wasn't upset with what you just said. Like I didn't believe that "we're not done" violated everything that I stand up for.

You laughed and then pulled me in to kiss more. I thought it was intense before, but I didn't know what I was talking about. This, this was intense. It was like I could feel your hunger for me and I did not like it. You moved your body closer into mine, and I moved mine away. I was not going to let you touch me. Not at all.

That moment dragged on forever. It wasn't even a minute, but it felt like an hour. It was disgusting. It was wrong. Everything in me screamed to tell you that we weren't going to do this again. When it finally ended, I laughed nervously.

As if what you said earlier wasn't bad enough, you had to add "you know you like it."

What do I respond to that? People were around. I mean, they weren't watching us specifically, but I still felt like they were. Again, I laughed nervously and turned to walk away. As I did, I wiped the taste of you from my lips. I felt gross. Everything about you just suddenly seemed gross.

"Aw come on, don't make that face," this girl Izzy who had seen the whole ordeal joked as I walked by. That's when I realized that my expression showed just how gross I felt. I laughed and told her I was sorry and then proceeded to, again, wipe off my face.

I don't want you anymore. This is wrong. Everything is wrong. Our connection is gone and I just want to go back to the way things used to be where we didn't even acknowledge each other's existence anymore.

You wanna know something, Edward? I'm not sick. I just told you that so I didn't have to kiss you today. Apparently, I don't know how to say no. Apparently, I don't know how to defend myself or what I believe in. Apparently, I'm more concerned with your "feelings" than I am mine.

You're just so gross.

-Emily