Letters I'll Never Send

J-Bean (once again)

J-Bean,

I know I always say (not to anyone, but to myself) that I don't like you and that you're annoying and attention seeking and a big liar and obsessive and other stuff as well, but the truth is that I don't want to not be friends with you.

I hate you, but I can't not be friends with you. I'm not sure why. It's really weird and I really don't understand it.

Recently, we've been drifting apart. I think it's really sad because you are the last of the original best friends that I have left.

Jaggles gone.
Jasmines gone.
Rachel is definitely gone.

And so are many others. But through all that, you've stayed. You're the last one left. If this was the Hunger Games, you'd be in victors village. And now, you're leaving.

I'm not upset about losing you, I'm more upset about losing another friend. At first, I didn't know why. Is there some kind of vibe that just sends people away? That makes people decide they don't want me anymore? What you told me yesterday was that I just don't act like a friend. You said that I act like I don't even want to be around you. You said you can tell when you're not wanted and you were not wanted.

But you are-kind of. 

I don't mean to act like that. I'm not even sure what I do that makes it seem like I don't want friends. Believe me, I want friends. My sweet 16 is in a couple months and I want to be able to write the invites effortlessly, not struggle over coming up with three names.

Without you, there are only two girls names on the invite list that could actually come. Utah can't because clearly she's in Utah. Though, I would buy her plane ticket myself if I had that kind of money.

And the whole invite thing isn't just about you. It's about what you said. I don't act like a friend. Which means, I'm unknowingly causing people to walk away from me because they think I don't want them. I need to fix that. Starting with you.

Though, sometimes I just don't want you around. So I guess you do kind of have a point there about that.... 

Look, I'm sorry okay? I am. 

Okay, I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what I'm talking about in this letter. I keep contradicting myself and getting confused.

Let's just pretend that this letter never existed (even though I'm still about to post it.)

TBH, I think the only reason I wanted to put up a letter today is because I wanted to talk about how I have 45 parts to this 'story' (now soon to be 46).

Isn't that fantastic? It seems like a lot. My goal is to write 100 letters but I don't know 100 people. Lol weird. I can't keep writing about the same people over and over. I think that Letters will come to an end soon. At least until summer. 

I know I'm going to meet new people this summer so that means new letters to write. Oh! I'll definitely meet new people in the fall so that means more letters then...

Long story short: don't expect new letters for new people for about two months. 

-Emily